hheehhee

Bring it on, you stupid gigantic horribly sour lemon!

2012-02-17T23:51:00.002+08:00

Okay, now that my mood has been quite an emotional rollercoaster ride.
I dare say now I'm feeling way way better & yes, bring it on.
The whole issue here seems to be challenging me about my faith, my stand on what I believe in. & all those nights where I spent time reading about the bible is coming back to me.

So what is God challenging me this sem?
Vague vague idea now. Step up or get lost? Oh boy do I sound rude, but it seems like a make or break to me.
Either I make it or I don't.

Okay actually technically speaking this sem is a make or break sem. I need those As but I really cant be bothered anymore. HAHAHHAHA. Life Life Life.
Okay. Nights Nights.
May life is better. oh wait. It is cause God's for me & with me. hahahha

bitch? yes me. Who do you think you're staring at?!

2012-02-17T00:27:00.003+08:00

I figured that there are greater things to my whole saga of not being able to live my life the way I want it to be. (yes, life sucks & my parents are funding my future or rather funding a bleak future. yes, your daughter is that useless.)

May God be our guiding light. He will see us through any forms of trouble. For God is greater than who he is of this world.

PMS IS A PAIN IN THE ASS

2012-02-17T00:20:00.002+08:00

Gets me thinking all the damn emotional thoughts
Gets me close to tears.
& I FUCKING HATE TO CRY. not in front of anyone.
I don't feel like trying anymore.
I know that I'm just trying to make myself a lil excited about life by being enthusiastically trying to apply for KCL when not only the chances are slim, I cant afford the finances AT ALL.
well, that energy made me really motivated to study well. IT DID. & then went down the drain tonight. CAP too low. Money not enough. Not even worth my try.

WORTHLESS NIGHT.
& that stupid fucker resume talk just made me more miserable.
I have wasted 2 years of my uni life. I SHOULD have participated in more activites.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

NONONONO

2012-02-17T00:17:00.001+08:00

I LOSING MOTIVATION TO STUDY TO THE FACT THAT I CANNOT GO OVERSEAS. MY NIGHTMARE ONCE AGAIN.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME SERIOUSLY.

Overseas NOT

2012-02-16T23:55:00.004+08:00

I am jealous.
Jealous of those people going overseas.

& I don't know why I can be so sad about this issue to an extent of depression.
Noone can be as depressed as me if I know I cant go overseas.
& I grow jealous. jealous of people's riches. Jealous of people's experiences. Jealous that I cant be there to experience stuff 1st hand & ALWAYS HAVING TO LOOK THE WORLD THROUGH OTHERS' EYES.

God please just let me fly overseas. I am growing sick of this never ending process of lack of motivation. Please let me go see that there is something more than these shores. Please let me see that those beautiful pictures from overseas are indeed true & not of photoshop. Please let me see them before my eyes grow dim and my body grows too weak to travel.

I need a trip overseas asap before I start to grow tired & sick of living.
I NEED TO BE OVERSEAS I NEED TO STUDY OVERSEAS. I want it so badly its killing me. Noone ever understands do they?

FEL DO NOT CRY & STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING SPOILED CHILD.
I must learn to let go, learn to let go of my dream of going overseas. Do not despair. Do not grow weary. Do not be envious of others. Do smile. Do be happy for them even though it kills you from within.

2012-02-15T20:42:00.002+08:00

I was thinking. Why is it that when I find myself at the lowest point of my life, I am always alone. Literally & emotionally. Noone is there to comfort. Noone understands me. & when they eventually realise that I am sad. ( which any of my frens rarely do) they will choose that apt timing when I am starting to be a lil happy to remind me of my sadness. MY FUCKING EMO STATE.

I am so sick of it.

Anyway, ytd had a great morning.
I loved ytd morn. I loved sun's sermon. I loved how in God's presence everything seemed to work out for its good. But once I'm out of that shine. everything in my world just comes crashing down.

I'm grateful for my dg, I'm grateful for all of them, everyone of them matters & made my day. Esp my sm. SHe is always so happy go lucky. I see God's joy in her all the time. Dg is the best part of my uni life. (:

Had alot of takeaways these days & my heart was a little burdened.
Words, have the power of everything. I need to start watching my words.
reject the notion of #foreveralone, reject any lousy quality of myself.
REJECT BAD THINGS FOR GOOD THINGS WILL COME MY WAY AMEN.

Bye. Now to try attempt to study.

2012-02-15T20:18:00.002+08:00

I really want to believe that God will drop money from the sky & let me go for summer school program. SERIOUSLY.
Let me get out of singapore. LET ME GO & EXPERIENCE HOW IS IT LIKE OUT THERE.

Fuck it man. Thanks to my results, my rather disgusting results, I'm deemed ineligible for SEP. Now this summer school has a nice way of refusing me by its extremely steep school fees. AM I STUCK IN SINGAPORE, YES, VERY MUCH, THANKS.

It seems like as though all my motivation to study is down the drain. I used to use that whole SEP crap to keep me going. Now i have this great temptation to quit school and drown myself in bedok reservoir. I really don't see ANY future for me. You know normally students with horrible results have extremely good connections. BUT WHERE AM I. No connections ( thanks to my introvert personality ) & no whatsoever great results. Then what THEN WHAT. People will surely tell me that there is def a way out. YES THERE IS. Sure, speak the universal language people. Money. Lots of it. Now with that, You can do anything. Just about anything (Money cant buy all sorts of happiness - IAMNOTTHATSTUPID)

Sure I have a lot of wishes, TELL MY WHO DOESN'T? Wishes are like dreams waiting to be fulfiled & essentially what we're doing right now is to help us towards our dreams. JUST THAT, HMM, God what if I die tml? I will have fucking tons of regrets. REALLY. I just need to fulfil that one dream - of being a travel journalist. To know things to understand & to learn all the time EVERYWHERE UNDER THE SUN. Sure I'll mind unsanitary conditions I'll get freaked out by intimidating people, I might get caught in political unrest situations. But I'm not interested in learning academic things anymore. It is just plain boring.
Actually for this semester, I liked my theatre exp mod. But i have this unesasy feeling its gna turn out to be another french mod. Somehow things that I always like seem to be what I am weak at. (IRONIC, yes?) It feels like as though the desire to succeed and get good grades has eaten up all my passion & joy for studying/learning new things. Its the school life I understand. But no passion I really can work. I need THAT FUCKING passion to arise. But all I see is that unworthy, incompetent me. Noone will understand how it feels like to be me. NOONE. Cause everyone has their own struggles & weakest point. A man's poison might not be another man's poison. Really I forgot that phrase. BRAIN NOT FUNCTIONING. LALALLAAL.

Screw thsi whole summer program shit.
I had enough of fucking emo nights cause I cant go overseas.
I had enough of feeling fucking useless to not be able to go overseas.
I had enough of feeling broke & poor to not be able to have a family overseas trip.

I AM FUCKING SICK OF THIS ONLY PAIN NO GAIN LIFE.
Joys in life? Nah. I have no joy. I used to have God. I mean I still have but really this whole I must place God in my centre of my life is making me depressed. DOn't wana think about it anymore. If God is able, & He loves me, I know He will eventually reach to me. He will I know & I'm waiting. For now I shall just sulk in a corner like a spoiled brat.

AU REVOIR.
(BLOODY FRENCH - A LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP)

Sick of life in general.

2012-01-21T02:31:00.001+08:00

..........

2012-01-21T02:10:00.002+08:00

It has come to a point whereby I feel myself slipping off the track of a good Christian living.
Its not that I WANT to backslide. But this whole personal encounter with God isn't working out. I want to grow closer to God i do very much but I'm starting to want more. My life is a whole standstill & I really hate it. Hate it to a point where I really question my purpose in living & I really think its easier to bring a non-believer to Christ than more a backslider to recommit their lives to God. Cause I know how I'm suppose to behave. & whatever everyone says is just so not gona sink in. I have noone to talk to about this whole jaded feeling cause I guess in a way, I know what they will say. :/

That said, today was a good day. Ignoring the fact that I spend money on not such great tops (desperate situations calls for desperate measures that usually dont make sense.)
Had a mini dg gathering & hearing about others lives again has just remind em about my own monotonousness life. But in a way, it has once again remind me about reading the Word. Its funny how reading the Word of God has been popping up EVERY WEEK. eerie to a point i guess. Maybe its God's way of telling me to read his Word? No idea. But personal revelation needs to come before I totally slide off the track of a Christian life.

Church wise. The troubles I had with choosing a church is gone. BUT the problem is I really don't feel close to ANY one of them, other than my friend. I feel like I'm physically & emotionally drifting away from everyone this year. It's not that I have no true friends or whatever but it feels like back to the 'who are my friends' question. 'Who will be willing to go the extra mile for me' I know that I'm a bitch, whiny one at that. But I think I am a good friend right? Or maybe I'm a horrendous one at that. :/ sighs. My heart is closed to the world & just as I thought I want to open my heart I'm closing it tighter than ever. Maybe these days I'm PMSing or smtg. I have this eerie feeling, this sick feeling of church. THIS IS REAL BAD. I miss feeling so blessed at church. & I don't know, I feel really lost in my life right now. God wants me to be patient but I am & NOTHING HAS BEEN WORKING OUT SO FAR.

I am supposed to remember to be grateful to everything in life but why is my heart still heavy?
I really don't know how to go from here. What to do anymore, Why wont God just speak to me already. SIGHS.

Maybe I need to change church again, BUT I AM FKING SICK OF CHURCH HOPPING. but i dont see myself growing ANY stronger ANYWHERE?

Back to life,
I'm grateful for the meetup with excolleagues. The usual bring a smile to my face meeting. I NEED TO MEET UP WITH THEM MORE OFTEN. I guess I like living in my own comfort zone. What is God challenging me this sem? I wonder.

21st birthday serve as a reminder that I only have a small group of friends. I dont need large groups of friends to live. But in this small group who can I truly call a true friend? I DONT KNOW.

I am mumbling & typing nonsense now cause my head isn;t cleared.
Too many thoughts running in my head. Okay God loves me & he will e the ultimate best friend ever.

SLEEP.

Sorrow

2012-01-12T01:45:00.002+08:00

Today had been a rather emo emo day.

visited my granny at the hospital & I'm glad to see that well, she is doing okay, not well splendid sort but at least she is able to watch her dramas & stuff.
But dicussion of the true state of her illness brings back memories of my late granny. It was the same place & scenario once again. Call me naive but i really hate illnesses I wish I have this magical ability to heal ppl, ):
In fact, travelling to SGH was full of sadness. I remember this place so well, have no problems coming herer. Sure why not, I have been coming here 6 mths ago for a month almost everyday. & the thing is all I go to is a very sickly granny whom I have to witness her yelling say 'pain' & with a pained expression every min & sec when the painkillers wears off.

I dont want the same thing to happen again. Really.
That torture of helplessness, IT SUCKS SO BAD I WANA CRY.

After viewing the scan of my granny backbone, I really fell into depression mode. It was bad, so bad I dont know what to say or do. I just want my granny to be able to walk at least til cny. really.

GOSH. I'm feeling so emo I dint want to go for a movie with a few cg mates.
But alright, I'm okay with it. Cause I caught some christian movie called 'courageous' which I'm contemplating if I should bring my dad to watch it! :/

Till then, may my cap flourish this sem.
BYE BYE.

2012-01-12T01:34:00.002+08:00

Why the same torture?
I dont know if my mom can handle this ):
& this chinese new year I can forget about it being a happy one.
I really rather spend more time with my mom's side now.
Come on looking at the situation & TRADITION it has always been mom's side for cny dinner. I don't understand why must it be changed?! I really dont geddit. :/
Oh screw this.
I'm scared to grow old now.
Health for the world now.
I wish everyone can stay healthy forever.
& that death is when God wants us to go join him in the heavens.
So it will be a peaceful one at that.

day 2

2012-01-10T23:13:00.002+08:00

ALRIGHT. School has been nothing but boring.
Okay, i think that this theatre exp mod is quite interesting, just that, i am really not a theatre person so a tad worried about my class participatipn & appreciation! :/

& today was a busy buying/selling day.

Other than the rush of buying textbooks & selling them, I feel really out of place.
Like I'm in this reality show where everyone is just living their lives & my live is on a pause remote. I don't feel like I'm progressing as a person or as a student. This is really sucky. :/ I don't belong in a school neither do I belong in the corporate world. Where do I belong then? Okay, I'm still thinking about it.

Everyone think its easy to study & pull up my cap. I'm almost sure that I would be unable to grad with honours though I def wanted to. I have not given up yet. It is just PLAIN REALITY. I want to go 'Challenge accepted' to this 4.2 cap I'm hoping to get. If i can get As in my cap for this term. It was be the greatest miracle. But now, I don't know I just think the for me to be healthy & strong & just be plain normal is good enough. I don't wish for a lot right now. :/

God just grant me the strength & determination to get through this semenster. I pray God you will grant me wisdom all my days & that I will be able to get good grades. AMEN.

Alright now to start mugging a lil (ON MY READINGS FOR NM.)

2012-01-10T01:05:00.002+08:00

I AM A TAD WORRIED.
I have no no no feel of school at all.
& The first lecture of the sem I am already lost.
What a way to start my semester.
I hope I can pay more attention tml. Watching some King Lear DVD D:
As early as 10am in the morning. Awesomeness, great D:

& Thank God for having a 2nd hand tb. IT IS SUPER PRICEY
But I believe the quality will be super duper awesome. (hopefully)

Now to keep praying for my last tb. I really don't wish to buy it ):

2012-01-09T02:01:00.002+08:00

Now I've noticed that I have been blogging non stop about my Christian walk with God (though sometimes really lil) but then again, this are really what have been going through my head for the whole of today!

Today was most certainly a 'meh' day for me.
Like really dull, boring... whatever luh.
Sermon was not bad aye. A tad boring cause it's all about meditation.
But actually thinking about it I feel no regrets for going to church today.
Now i have been jumping, doing some pretty church hopping.
At first it was alright i know how to distinct myself & all the teaching that I've been listening to.
But these few weeks ever since I was back from Meta camp, everything was messed up. I'm getting a whole lot of mixed messages & I AM MOST MOST CONFUSED about many things about Christianity that is basically challenging me about my faith in God.
Now I know people out there will see this as a spiritual warfare with Satan who is trying to mess up my mind. Oh yes, many a times I can just feel him messing with my head & I actually let him do that ( what a stupid ass I am) Allow me to feel so miserable & annoyed & grumpy & whiny & alone. Yes, this stupid fears of being alone & lonely just kept creeping in until i feel so effing empty I AM SO ANNOYED WITH MYSELF.
SO much for trying to focus on God, so today at church once again worship was good. I liked today's worship & I felt like I really needed it. But sermon wise it wasn't smth i really needed to hear, maybe some parts if it. I feel like I'm just a cow grazing on the fields but not really eating & chewing. whats the difference you say?
Well, I dont really understand what exactly the whole cow cow thing was about but what i get from it is that many christians (including me) just go to church on sun & listen but just listen without really placing it in our hearts. We understand we know but we just don't internalise it within us. :/ Great job done here. I know God's giving me this wake up call. I really need to meditate on His word this coming year. I foresee many internal struggles coming up this year. Many times I will question alot of things & well, choose to turn away from God. But i believe that if i really place God first in my place, & meditate on his word, nothing else can come agst me.
So now comes the problem with settling. I can totally feel the need to plant myself somewhere. Plant myself in ONE church, stop being like a ship drifting aimlessly in the seas out there. :/ But I haven heard from God yet, or maybe I'm on the wrong frquency. :/ WHATEVER.

School is starting tomorrow I am having the school blues again.
:/ DARN THIS SCH BLUES! I MUST BE HAPPY CAUSE GOD WHO IS GREATER THAN ALL THINSG IS WITH ME. :<

Today's devotion - Choose not to worry

2012-01-08T02:38:00.003+08:00

Matthew 6:27
27: Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

-Taken from Joseph Prince's Daily Devotional -
© Copyright Joseph Prince, 2006. All rights reserved.

Many Christians are familiar with Jesus’ rhetorical question, “Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?” But not many of us actually let it get into our hearts and allow the love of God to free us from our habit of worrying.

The truth is, no amount of worrying can lengthen your life or add anything to your physical person. Instead, worrying robs you of sleep, health and many good years. In fact, it is only when you are worry-free that God’s anointing flows freely in you, strengthening, healing, restoring and adding to you.

A church member, after undergoing a mammogram, found that she had lumps in her breast. Upon receiving the doctor’s report, she wrote this down on the report: “Jesus is my healer. I receive my healing. I am healed. I rest in God completely.”

She was due back at the clinic later the same day for a biopsy to see if the lumps were malignant. Her sister-in-law, who was having lunch with her that day, witnessed her cheerful and worry-free attitude while she ate her lunch.

Back at the clinic, this precious sister sat among other ladies who were also there for their biopsies. They looked very worried, so she started sharing Jesus with them and prayed for some of them. When her turn came and she had an ultrasound scan done, the doctor was puzzled — her scan showed no evidence of any lumps!

The doctor went back to consult her colleague who had first discovered the lumps. Stunned, both doctors conducted their own investigations. They returned to her only to say, “It’s a miracle!”

My friend, when you worry, you are actually believing that the devil has the power to make inroads into your life that God cannot protect you from. But when you refuse to worry, you are putting your faith in God. You have more confidence in His love and power working for you than in the devil’s ability to harm you! When you refuse to worry, but choose to rest in the finished work of Christ, you will see the manifestation of your blessing. You will see your miracle!

- © Copyright Joseph Prince, 2006. All rights reserved.

Thank Goodness this devotion came tonight so that I can learn to be calm.
Everything's a choice So i shall choose to keep calm & throw all my worries to God.

Psalm 27:4

2012-01-08T02:31:00.001+08:00

‎One thing i ask of the Lord,
this is what i seek;
that i may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to seek Him in His temple.

It's time to keep this verse in my heart.
along with psalm 23 (:

Nostalgic

2012-01-08T00:31:00.003+08:00

Here's another year of

change, heartbreaks, new friends, old friends, adventures, drama, obstacles, experience, knowledge, stupidity, chaos, fights, break ups, make ups, hypes, new dreams, new goals, accomplishments, new found bitches, new enemies, tears, laughter, and new memories.

Gotten it from bev's blog & i must agree it's quite true.

After listening to some Disney songs, my heart was lifted just for a little moment. I swear Disney songs are therapeutic. They just have this magical feeling about them.

1. Beauty & the Beast - Beauty & the beast
2. Tarzan - You'll be in my heart
3. Aladdin - A Whole New World
4. The Little mermaid - Under the sea
5. Hercules - Go the distance
6. Lion King - Can you feel the love tonight
7. Lion King - The Circle of life
8. Mulan - Reflections

& of course, I'm not THAT dumb to not know that happy ever after never happens. Disney always ends with this fake imagery of 'Happily ever after' Whats wrong with a little dream? & oh I can hear those stupid critics going, 'oh dreaming may make you self delusional & bla bla bla' oh shut up. Dreaming is like the best thing on earth cause anything is possible in a dream. Like for instance, I'll be roaming the streets of Paris. (: & taking in the beautiful country. (: & not stuck in the same country each day.

Another song : If we hold on together - Land before time.

'If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I'

watching all these old cartoons really makes nostalgic, where did all this simple yet moving cartoons go to? Now that the world is filled with all those movies that are so fast paced & all. Not saying that i hate fast paced movies. I love them, but i miss this really slow moving ones that will nudge a lil at our hearts. (:

Alright, heard that Beauty & the best 3d is coming son. SO SO SO gong to catch that movie. Screw those people who will judge me. I just want a walk down the memory lane.

2012-01-07T22:43:00.002+08:00

sick of having this boring life where interesting events are all bad ones.
Worth living? NO IDEA. FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

2012-01-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

I'm this bit discourage from attending church again.

I want to stop backsliding, horrible results was hmm, a lil discouraging. nevermind.
I know God has been helping me a lot so far through small things. But What about those huge things? Isn't God an extremely loving God. BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH.

I'm easily discouraged so screw this.
Life has been good. or God has been good to me in certain ways.
I pray that my tbs can be sold & the next day offers start pouring in. & THANK GOD i'm selling all 3 tbs! HURRAY! Though the money isn't great. :/

2012-01-07T22:23:00.002+08:00

life is so vulnerable. it's so scary.
If we don't show the people we cherish that we do love & cherish them, when will we ever start? Will there be regrets if out of a sudden that person is gone from your life?

Taking things for granted & now I'm paying the price. Nothing can last forever. Cause everything on earth will eventually fade away.

I feel like taking a break. Break from all my selfish desires, all my pride. But isn't this wanting to get away already an action of my own selfish wants?

Okay, I want time-out from life. Time-out from everything. I want the ability to recognise beauty in this fast paced world.

my 3 wishes

2012-01-07T22:08:00.002+08:00

My 3 wishes for this year is pretty simple.
1) Stronger relationships - family, friends, God
2) Direction in life, Career prospects
3) Health & wholeness - be it physically or emotionally

Did I not wish it for my whole family?
This is so weird. Once again, I'm back at the crossroads of believing in a miracle & not believing that a miracle would happen.
I really hoped last year that God would heal my granny of that bacterial infection that was eating her from the inside. & well, when that dint happened I was discouraged. Started to question my faith. Since my granny is a christian & more than half of my extended family is then what happened? WHY GOD WHY? But after a while, while the funeral has passed, I believe that maybe it was good that my granny has gone to heaven. At least I know she's in heaven with the Lord & with no more sufferings. No more having to watch her diet. No more having to do water dialysis on her own. No more struggling with walking. No more heart/lungs/kidney problems. God gave her an easier option to live. To go to heaven & be with him & be freed from all her sufferings. Truth to be told, I know (i guess everyone did) that she was relunctant to go. She wanted to stay & look after my granddad & to watch her grandchildren grow up. Seeing her struggle with trying to live has taught me so much that I had learnt to deal with life. As long as I'm breathing. there is so much that I can acheive. As long as I have my life, nothing can be difficult. I wanted to make an effort to start getting closer to my grand dad & grand ma. But it never did realised.

Now once again, another issue arises. & this time its worse cause my granny isn't a Christian. Is my faith enough? Will my faith be? I don't want to see my mom struggling with keeping a strong front. That one with my granny was bad. This time with her mother, wont it be worse? MEGA SIGHS. Looks like when everything seems to start off with a good start this year, the things might start to look gloomy. :/

I just don't not what to say. God, just tide us through this. May You heal my granny if not, I don't know how will my granny be whole. :/

Cousins' wedding

2012-01-02T00:51:00.002+08:00

I was feeling so great & happy after camp that morn that I went to tuition feeling like a happy girl & decided to give 1.5-2.5 hrs of free tuition. I am amazed why I did that but seriously no regrets. I feel happy teaching her so I dint felt like it had to earn it.

Night came & I was devastated.
Well basically I sort of pushed the button to aggravate my mother & then it got worse when I tried to explain my situation. To cut my story short, I thought it wasn't compulsory to go for the morning part of the wedding & then my mom was all defensive & said that I & my other sisters were not bothered to make ourselves free for this important -joyous- occasion.(WHEN I WAS & I HATE BEING ACCUSED OF) So after a christian camp & all, I know that I should not be angry at my mom so I really tried to talk to her. Maybe my tone was wrong cause I triggered her once again & this time round she accused me of not having the heart to attend this wedding & that I should not even bother attending since it would be a waste of our time. That really snapped me. I tried to explain myself & needless to say, the situation got worse to worst. I was screaming & crying at the same time. I wanted to make a statement by slamming my room shut & cried myself, chocking on my tears. I really hated being accused of & I really had enough of people treating my genuine concern & care & effort as shit. I had spent so much time researching, searching for the wedding dress & ALL I GET IS NO REPLIES & NOONE BOTHERED WHEN I DID. & I WAS THE ONLY ONE STRESSED WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WAS BEING NONCHALANT. Oh boy was I pissed. Pissed at the world, pissed at my mom especially for not knowing me well. REALLY what is sick in my family is that everyone don't know each other well enough, no emotional exchanges no heart to heart talks. How to learn & understand each other. geez. So anyway, I was crying like there was no tomorrow, maybe it was all the anguish collected throughout the whole year released all at once. & I was praying to God to help me out of this shitty emotions. I don't want to hate my mom I don't want to take this to heart. I want to stop crying & feeling sad for myself. & to cut the story short. This imaginary of me lying in God's arms with Him comforting me entered my head & I started to stop crying all together.
SPOOKY sounding but it was really reassuring. so THANK GOD.

MOVING ON. (i so luosuo-longwinded)
The wedding was a success, Truth to be told, it was the first I actually played with my young cousins. Children aren't hard to play with after all. :D I really want to take a photo with my younger cousin but he had me running all over the place chasing him til I gave up. ):

I love mount faber & its scenery both in the evening & at night (:
Beautiful place to get married ((((:

Meta Camp

2012-01-02T00:21:00.003+08:00

It's been a week or so since I've blogged.
Life is great even though I think thoughts of being truly alone sometimes engulfs me but I know that I am never truly alone cause God is with me (:
Alright moving on to talk about my week. This is going to be a really lengthy lengthy post about my thoughts about the metamorphosis camp 2011.
So after Christmas was followed by my camp & I must say i felt that it was a little rushed. I am super duper exhausted but compared to others I felt that my fatigue was really nothing at all.
So the day 1 of my camp was basically consists of the typical small talk & getting to know everyone better. I felt really lost though cause alot of people actually knew each other since campus crusade is like a CCA & the people who join this camp usually know each other. So the lost lamb I was, I was being really #foreveralone throughout day 1. Throwing that aside. I felt regretful for coming this camp. TOTALLY WASTE OF MONEY. I was all alone & I dint know everyone & I was basically annoyed since I could spent better time at home or gg out with my friends. It was as though I paid to suffer. Drastic as it may sound but those thoughts were really in my head. (shakes head...those are evil evil thoughts fel) & well, It feels like I cant sort of click with anybody ): so whatever. Spiritually I was expecting God to speak to me immediately but it dint happen at all. In fact the sermon on the 1st night was interesting but no revelation, nothing. Just the spooks when the whole Martha & Mary story came out for the 3rd time this month! (served as a reminder) CG time was interesting, so everyone had different thoughts about the sermon/message. Interesting much. The different viewpoints they have I was inspired.
So come Day 2, feeling sleepy, worship was good & I fell aslp during the sermon (yikes......) & once again, interesting sermon & i felt so inspired to change society! TO SAVE TEH WORLD!!!! (okay i am no superman i know but GOD IS SO GREAT!)
so anyway, the revelation came during the women's time & about relationship. I could feel God relating me to the message & it was a queer feeling of this instant calmness that washed over me & I felt really happy, bubbly happy! (maybe the speaker was really funny too) but never had I felt this sudden inspiration hit me. God gave me two words from that message & that was to love God & have patience cause God wants me to establish a relationship with Him so that the brighter future awaits. so anyway. cg time after that I had so many questions to ask so basically I & another 3 yr4s talked our hearts out &it felt great after that!
Final worship was impactful. I loved it & i could feel everyone was impacted. Great worship & I could literally feel my relationship in God just grew stronger.

So I thank God for directing me to this camp. I guess I needed it. I needed the christian company. I needed the fellowship. I needed to hear the messages. I needed that spark of inspiration & to once again renew that relationship with God.
May my character grow & that I will learn to focus only on Him in all I do. Read the bible & meditate on it.

Once again, Thank God for speaking to me through sermons each week. :D

alone

2011-12-24T01:56:00.003+08:00

I love my blog.
Noone will read it except myself.
Me & my blog stand alone.
Alone you say?
Alone but never lonely.
Alone but standing strong & proud.
Proud of myself
Proud that I am standing alone but never lonely.

Very random though indeed.

Okay now I shall thereby swear that there can not be any negative blogposts.
UNLESS NECESSARY.
UNLESS MY LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT TERRIBLE.
But then again, who hasn't had a rough day?
See them complaining? Nope, they take it in their stride.
Therefore there is now no more reason for me to complain.
I should learn from them taking everything in my stride.
failures are steps to success.
As quoted from the bible (earlier post)
"If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!"
SO stand strong & stand tall CAUSE JESUS CHRIST IS LORD OF ALL....!!
Right, back to the topic at hand here,
STOP COMPLAINING YOU BITCH.
YOU HAVE SO MUCH THAT OTHERS DONT HAVE.
DONT GO AROUND COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS! D:
-end of scolding myself-

Okay, I should just stop blogging.
I like to talk to myself a lot I don'y know why.
I guess cause I have noone else to talk to.
So my blog is my only friend.
HAHAHA. Stand alone but never lonely (:

Christmas playlist

2011-12-24T01:37:00.002+08:00

1. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU - Mariah Carey :DDDD
2. LAST CHRISTMAS - Wham!
3. HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS - Frank Sinatra
4. MERRY CHRISTMAS (WAR IS OVER) - John Lennon
5. WHITE CHRISTMAS - Bing Crosby
6. WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND - Dean Martin
7. LET IT SNOW! - Dean Martin
8. DECK THE HALLS

I'm trying real hard to make it 10 but my brain is really not working. HAHA. I guess it's kind of obvious that I keep clicking the replay button? I like to hear songs again & again & sing along to them!! Such full of joy songs (except last christmas. quite sad if you ask me.)

YES!! CHRISTMAS IS FINALLY HERE! WOOHOO! I cant wait to go to church! (:

2011-12-24T01:19:00.003+08:00

Coldplay - Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall has got to be my favourite song now. Hearing this song makes me happy, brings a smile to my face! :D

Enough said, Today was going pretty well. I GUESS. All was well until I went to popular & it was shut down. AURGHHH. How am I suppose to make my cards for my friends cg. faints. Now I am to rely on my extremely horrible art & craft skills on plain paper. To add on to my misery, all the paper are totally non-christmas colours. OH WELL. Handmade cards so tough to do ya know. It is their utmost honour to receive MY handmade cards. Do you know ow difficult to make cards?! YA KNOW?! (bullshitting in progress....)

On a side not,
I think I sometimes cross the line unknowingly. But if noone there is to point out to me, who will? Hmmm, then I was thinking if anyone made me mad, will I explain to that person why I was mad? Maybe I'll hurl the very reason I was mad at my sisters, but friends? I guess I will keep it to myself, & convince myself that I'm not mad at all. Then I'll forget. I will forget & forgive. ( YES I WOULD OKAY UNLESS THAT PERSON IS A TOTAL BITCH HAHAHAHAHA) Life is short, very short to bear grudges towards each other. So the very time I get mad pissed at smth/sb, the very moment my mood bounces back to neutral. So now after being mad pissed at myself, I'm back to neutral. Think happy thoughts. Life has so much more to offer & now that Christmas is just HOLY SHIT TOMORROW. why must I get mad at myself or anyone or anything. Regretting serve no purpose, So move on. move on to christmas eve. (yuck not exactly looking forward either :/)

Anyway, great phone I have here that hangs all the frigging time. & I think I have restarted it for like !@#$%^%^&**^%$@@ times already. IT IS STILL NOT WORKING. great phone. Just simply great. wonderful fabulous.

So in conclusion, today was a day of celebration. Pretty much envious of Miki's new home. So pretty & nice. I wish my home will look like that one fine day.

Thoughts today:
Life moves on & don't be bothered by anything else. LIFE IS AWESOME. oh yeah.

GOOD NIGHT. & wake up to christmas eve.
FALALALALALA. tis the season to be jolly (: PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE (:

2011-12-22T02:06:00.003+08:00

Hebrews 13:5
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said: "Never will I leave you; never will i forsake you"

Proverbs 23:4,5
Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have wisdom to show restraint. Cast but a glance at riches, and they are gone, for they will surely sprout wings and fly off to the sky like an eagle.

Proverbs 24:10
If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength!

25:11
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

2011-12-22T01:15:00.001+08:00

" Some run swiftly; some creep painfully; all who keep on will reach the goal "
Piyadassi Thera

Thanks sm for the encouraging quote. Nope I'm not giving up though I keep whining about how difficult it is to pull up. But I WILL FIGHT THE IDIOITIC SMARTASS STUDENTS & get my A!

Christmas

2011-12-22T01:01:00.002+08:00

I am so so so looking forward to Christmas services, not only at new creation but also at heart of God church. Well, because Christmas is just a season of joy & MOST IMPORTANTLY IT'S THE BIRTHDAY OF JESUS. I actually don't know why I'm so excited but I really am geared up! :D

So this Christmas I actually went a lil crazy by deciding to send people Christmas cards. but sadly I could only afford to send them to my university friends(friends i know since past yr), maybe next year i will send to all my secondary & primary school friends (((((((((: .

So buying materials for the cards & doing the cards were great toll on me But Christmas is the season of giving. So figured it will be cool to do cards. (though i'm broke & all) Spread the love yo~ (though cards.. were.. kind.. of.. ugly...)

After christmas I'm looking forward to META CAMP. woohoo. I'm really deciding to pack all my stuff tml :D so i need to purchase those that I lack. CAMP :D:D:D:D. SO EXCITED! Meet new people & all for Christ! ( not saying that I'm a SUPER GODLY person)

IN CONCLUSION, I AM SO EXCITED EVEN THOUGH I'M EFFING BROKE. CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE! :D:D

(so excited that I'm not bothered by the wedding. I don't care what I'm going to wear since I don't wish to look perfect, they should be honoured I'm even ATTENDING their wedding!!!! HAHAHAHA)

My life so far

2011-12-21T22:20:00.003+08:00

MY CAP.

NO GONGCHA

FUCKING HUNGRY

NO FOOD AT HOME

NO MONEY TO BUY FOOD

Then again, today was a day I could finally laze at home.
The race to complete my cards begins again tml & I need to go buy cards again.
but thinking of my acct balance

Why is my life like this.

Think of the wedding on 30th dec which I have to buy my clutch, accesories, shoe

You know,
I always have contradicting feelings. (GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE)
Stuck at home I want to be out.
Out for shopping I want to rest at home.
This fickle mind of mine.

THIS CONCLUDES MY POST.
thanks Bev if you're ever reading this.
This gif is indeed extremely useful, esp for poor students like us.

2011-12-21T01:11:00.002+08:00

life give you lemons, You use it to make lemonade.

This horrible cap score will pass. after all, everyone fails(maybe not everyone).
So now, Look forward to a brighter future.
Not bothering about my results I will now continue to slug for my christmas cards.

May life is awesome cause GOD REIGNS FOREVERR!!!!

2011-12-21T01:09:00.001+08:00

What is my passion in life?
My horrible results is giving me a wake up call. Is psych really what I want? Am i trying to convince myself because I'm already in psychology?
Hmmmmmm..

Sometimes I think I am the one limiting my capabilities.

2011-12-18T00:06:00.002+08:00

Results are to be released in 3 days time. Let's just say I'm kind of looking forward to it. Not in a good day but oh boy, I hate all that frustration that comes with me not knowing. SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME. This sem sort of determines really how hard I worked. Effort placed was not returned throughout this semenster. Kind of sad but was hoping my overall results could be better. :/

SO, today, slept 12 hours, but the moment I woke up, I TELL IT IT WAS HORRIBLE. I actually had horrible chest pains, breathing difficulties(excluding all the soreness of the throat til speaking is actually painful) So the next thing I do, I actually made honey in attempt to soothe the throat. It did nothing to help at all. Throat was just more tolerable, but the pain was still there. I guess putting the anointed oil helped in a way. Just said a simple prayer & it took effect after a while. Not saying that i was totally healed but I had the ability to BREATHE & TALK without exerting too much pain. D:

After all that sick drama, I went for my volunteer thingy. Needless to say, i was freaked out by having to memorize my script & interact with the child. I AM ABSOLUTELY freaked out by the thought of memorising the script & having to talk & play with the child. But i guess it went well. Not exactly perfect but the child could have gotten the gist of what I was saying. But in terms of interest of playing with child, still none, I still prefer teenagers to children. No idea why though. Another child which I did the questionnaire with was super horrible for me. Let's just say that that child is super duper chinese educated & most of the idea I had to translate the questionnaire into chinese in fear that she doesn't understand. Thing is, my chinese is pretty horrible & most of the time I have no idea what I'm saying in chinese -..- Hopefully, fingers crossed, what I said was right.

Oh another significant thing that happened to every Singaporean's life ( those staying in the north south line or those travelling to town) with be the breakdown of trains. SMRT has been failing on thurs & today. Quite horrible that people had to walk via the underground tunnel. GOSH. This just shows how dependent we are on the trains & just how much we take these trains for granted. :/ Oh well. I cant be bothered anymore. as long as the trains works fine again tomorrow, i don't care.

Aurina's bday celebration was funny, cause it was fun watching people feeling puzzled by those ridiculous question games while you know how to derive the answer. HAHA. & the catch is, those methods of getting the answers are so ridiculously dumb you'll feel so stupid to not get it. Was feeling sick all the while so doing these dumb games were a major distraction from my illness. (or maybe the medicine did its job)

Life is good so far (ignoring the fact that my bank balance is going wayyyy low)
Life is absolutely great. Self reminder: never ever whine about misfortunes in life cause everyone else gets unlucky too.

Okay, another thing to be happy. I AM DONE WITH MY WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING. but the sad thing is i still need to look for a clutch & a pair of heels (which can also be used for the new year) C'est la vie.

Au revoir! Je me couche le soir!

Love yourself

2011-12-15T01:29:00.003+08:00

I really need to remind myself that the world does not circulate around my life.
Life's about being grateful for what you have. Cause things we taken for granted may disappear one day.
For now, (& thereafter) I should take baby steps. Life isn't about wants, its about being appreciative & love. Baby steps towards my future to be filled with love & satisfaction.
I need to start loving people around me, my family & friends & most importantly of all, myself.

My love for myself can well be so minimal. I practically hate myself. Hate myself for being ugly, being annoying(whining), hate myself for being so dumb at times, being insensitive, being judgmental. I really hate myself for being nothing at all, no skills whatsoever. I feel useless all the time. I hate myself for being loss at words, I hate myself for being so slow. I hate myself being slow at processing. Ask me what I hate about myself or my weakness, I can name you aplenty. Ask me my strengths & watch me get shocked, because I really have no answer to that question. 'I have no strengths, how do I name any?' Everyone feels this worthless at times, it feels that my life has been full of crap & wasted. & then those feelings of worthlessness is being transformed into frustrations. & then those horrible feelings feed themselves, growing & multiplying until your whole mind is infested with them. & then, a sour person will be created, having hatred towards the world, hating it for being unfair, jealous of everyone's capabilities. When in fact all these thoughts serve no purpose at all, it just wastes time that could be well spent on actually improving self to be a better person. So thinking rationally, it's time to stop hating myself, start loving myself, start loving the imperfections cause noone is perfect, noone started with everything. Everyone started from nothingness but they manage to transform their nothingness into something and though the process is long & gruelling, they finally made it. Giving up is certainly an easier option but it will provide nothing in the end. Persevere til the end, persevere til I achieve what I am suppose to achieve. & along the way, take joy in the small things in life. Because happiness depends on your attitude towards life.

Love yourself & love all that imperfections that come with you, & then start being happy that you are healthy and full of life. If you can't start loving yourself, noone else will.

Alright, off to prepare myself for tuition tomorrow. I need to do some quiet time with god soon. So much for being a child of God, I am not even living in His rest & grace. Need to stop worrying & start doing.
TATA!

Life's great!

2011-12-08T22:35:00.002+08:00

YESTERDAY WAS AWESOME. Well, had it's up & downs. generally I was glad & happy.

Well, in the morning, things weren't going exactly well. Had to wake up so early in the morning 8AM to meet bev, char to do the card for minmin's birthday. Well, being the usual dumb me , I left some stuff at home which means I had to travel back to take them out again. & my stomach chose to be sick. URGH. It was such a bad Wednesday morning! Glad that everything turned out OKAY after that. We actually ended the card with our kiss, literally. I think those people around us would think that we were crazy trying to kiss paper!! Thank God I brought my coloured lip balm so we can have that super AWESOME kiss marks.
Lunch was great.(SM'S BIRTHDAY LUNCH :DD) Spent a lot of time barbecuing meat(oh yeah~ :9) & eating. After which, we talked, gossiped (whats a girl convo without gossip!)and reminiscing of our school days. Life's good you know. Well of course, the moment the camera was taken out, all hell was set loose. Not saying that we camwhored with the cameras. Most of the photos taken were unglam shots & we spent a great deal laughing at them. LOADS OF HILAROUS MOMENTS. Uncontrollable laughter. oh how i miss those times.
Moving on, watched breaking dawn along w ht. GOSH, i cannot absolutely stand watching that movie, let alone twice in a row. OH WELL. Company not movie anyway!
As everyone knows wednesday night is equivalent to LADIES NIGHT. So went to the usual clubs to hang. It was great, but the people there.. disappointing..
so anyway, I think my fatigue caught up with me & i kept yawning in the club. who yawns while clubbing? :/ I DID. LOSER FEL. haha. screw clubbing. I think I'm too old to cont clubbing. Or maybe it's just that I've outgrown it?!?! WOAH. but nonetheless I think clubbing is a great way to exercise. HAHA. so I will just continue to go for all those free 'exercising' sessions.
Great company, no alcohol, still not high enough. I guess it was pretty good that we lasted til 230 in the club. (not excluding the horrible crowd as a turn off factor)
Supper at macs & then heading home.

Life's great & i should enjoy the ride.

French 2

2011-12-06T20:55:00.003+08:00

To take or not to take
That is the question

I LOVE LANGUAGE CLASSES THEY ARE SO AWESOMELY FUN!
Though I'm really like suffering in them. They make my day. It's so funny, interactive. So different from all the tutorials I've taken so far! If only I can continue to french 2~

2011-12-06T20:51:00.002+08:00

okay after reading Bev's blog I feel like laughing. I think she's pretty entertaining with her never ending craze over her idol. LOL. & the fact about studying is LITERALLY SWALLOWING BOOKS DOWN THE THROAT. Psychology sucks to the core.
& then again, I'm envious of their positive outlook on things, HAHHA. something I would never get. ever!

alright off to youtube vids! HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!!

2011-12-06T20:31:00.003+08:00

I'm like on this typing rage now.
All the frustrations in life being bottled up in & stored in a corner.
A simple life by far wins all that complex one. Simple goals are easier to achieve anw.
that was a random thought.

I was just thinking, how readable am I on the scale of 1-10.
1- NOT READABLE, 10 - extremely readable.
Am I like an open book waiting to be read by others?
Should I show my anger towards others? Won't I be some extremely hot tempered person?
Gosh, this is confusing my mind & I just want to sleep these questions away.

Sometimes I want people to read my thoughts, to be able to understand my feelings & act accordingly (GOSH I SOUND SO NARCISSISTIC) There are aplenty of days whereby a hug or some assurance, or a hand written letter could lift my spirits up. I miss the closeness of a friend. I miss the days where people were thinking simple thoughts. Now that you're older, the world seems to be very self centered (LIKE ME) everyone wants people to understand themselves, but did they ever spare a thought for others?
I fully believe in 'Do what you want others to do to you' But then again, not everyone subscribes to this phrase, & people eventually still get hurt being kind. what a sad world we live in.

I guess everyone needs someone in order to feel appreciated, to feel that we belong somewhere & of course to feel that our lives are worth living for.

Another cranky day

2011-12-06T20:16:00.002+08:00

Female hormones raging can only be the reason for my horrible temper today.
SO much for pledging to not act like a child.

Today watched breaking dawn & i must say the movie was really draggy in the front. Like, uh, BORING. That's why I have never read that book until now.

Kay, heard news that the parents are going to plan for a taiwan trip in march. I WAS EXTREMELY SAD THAT I CANT GO. But I am happy that they are going, I am happy for them. They deserved the trip after rearing 3 horrible children like us (GOSH WE ARE LIKE LIL DEVILS.) & seeing that march is their wedding anniversary, they do deserve their time alone. I don't want to play third wheel. XD Hopefully they do get on a trip & then it will be like havoc at home. HAHA. I can totally imagine how horrible my life will become without my parents :/ & It is a pretty ugly sight! :/

Now with christmas around the corner , oh boy am I excited. Though I'm fucking sad that I'm broke, well, it's still the season to be jolly. FALALALALALA~

(PS i really cant wait for the release of my results :):):):) I'm praying for that miracle~ hahaha )

All American Rejects - Move Along

2011-12-06T20:15:00.000+08:00

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold
Speak to me

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
Speak to me

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know ya do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

2011-12-06T01:10:00.001+08:00

trust issues I have aplenty.
I cant trust in anyone.
maybe I have some psycho personality disorder.

Thank God

2011-12-06T00:26:00.002+08:00

Ha, i figured I need to type this out.
Firstly I need to emphasis that I'm not thanking God for my excellent grades I'm going to get for my examinations. I am thanking God for being there for me through all my tests.
These year end finals was the most horrible combination of papers I have ever sat for, You have no idea the amount of pressure I placed upon myself. I was almost breaking down, & the fact that my mid terms results for my modules in general wasn't impressive. Sometimes, I had this crazy idea of giving up but I still pressed on. & the fact that I have so little day to cram knowledge into my mind is so so so SCARY. All i wanted to do is to hide in my room, under my blanket with my parents beside me & assuring me everything is going to be okay. Now you're older, you only have yourself to rely on, & this pressure was too much for me to bear. Well, so nearing exams I went a lil crazy. HAHA. & during exams I broke down. Things that I thought i knew I never really knew. I was devastated. Worse, I had so much things I was clueless about. So with that minimal knowledge I enter the exam hall, freaked out when I have no absolute idea what to do for the qns. MCQS were okay since you have options to choose. Short answered & essay was just so crazy. So for psych stats, the 1st qn came out sth i was really confused about, gosh I WAS PANICKING LIKE HELL, the extreme cold aircon wasn't helping either. So i look like a crazed shivering lady frustratedly flipped all my notes furiously. ( I guess I was making alot of noise) on the verge of pulling all my hair away & giving up on this paper. then I prayed sliently in tears( I was crying sliently seriously- toostresseddd) then i just tried to attempt the next qn with a more calm state of mind, i guess the calmness & peace took over me cause I was actually remembering stuff I thought I never remembered. So eventually I had soemthing to write. AT least it wasn't exactly blank. :) I think its enough. Bio psy & social psy too. Really did not study but I could remeber bits & pieces after praying. I knew at that instant God was helping me. Oh come on, I really had no idea what to write for almost everything ):
I am not holding high hopes for my scores. Obviously i hope i can get an A or B+ this semester. I WANT WANT WANT VERY MUCH. so i'm holding my grades in prayer, but its okay.
I'm okay with not getting honours cause God will see me through everyday like he did during my papers.

2011-12-06T00:22:00.002+08:00

I am thankful for this space sometimes. noone comes here to read, & I can reorganise my thoughts here.
Right another issue I need to work on would be my stupid trait of being judgemental. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE FELICIA. you are not so good either. You horrible !@#$%^&*)$^#@$%^ BITCH.
Okay done scolding myself.
I've got my own life to live & stop being envious of others.

Simple life.
Expect nothing from people, cause expectations only cause disappointments.
& in the first place, something unexpected in a good way has always been a better thing than something expected in a good way.
I am not making sense. NOT AT ALL.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
screw my mind. whoohooo.

I am actually anticipating Meta camp... :3

Dear diary..

2011-12-05T23:41:00.003+08:00

It has been a long time now & life has once again been pretty mundane. okay, mundane isn't the word to describe my lie right now. Let's just say my life is going at a fast but yet slow pace. I'm being occupied with a busy week, not filled with homework & all but essentially the energy taken is still the same. I feel just so tired these days. Humans are so so contradictory. The moment I ended my exams I wanted to go out & play, but when the time comes when my friends are done with their examination, that joy I had when it has finally ended is GONE. I guess that is what will happened if your exams ends earlier than your friends.
So hence, I thought being preoccupied is good,well, it does keep you busy and at the same time give this false impression of having a great 'life' per say. But at the end of the day, I've come to realised, basically, the friends I have are a few handful. Thats good, I've come to appreciate that. I don't need huge social circles all the time. Who am I proving to? Who am i showing off to? Who is my audience? My show is a one-man show with noone watching. Noone is exactly interested. & this false impression of having 'life' is totally overrated. All i want would be to gather with my close group of friends. crack jokes, make a fool out of ourselves & to know at the end of the day no matter what silly or stupid thing we do, those friends will be there for us through thick & thin. So with all these thoughts in mind, I've come to a conclusion of not bothering to ask anyone out anymore. It feels like I have been the one asking people out. I don't want to be desperate & interdependent. In life, you'll always stand alone. Cause you only have yourself to answer to. & noone else can help you without helping themselves first. Well, another thought is I think it's time I grow up. Grow out of my stupid small shell. Stop acting like a childish brat, Stop demanding things. Stop whining(I hope I can accomplish this. HAHA. seriously.)
Life has never been fair. SO i should stop hoping & dreaming without taking action.
I desperately hope I can get honours this semester. Though my grades are likely to be horrible, but I am believing for a miracle. God is supernatural so he can do anything that is impossible for men. He can accomplish what I cannot do. I hope on to that. & of course if i thought to myself, failure is always an option. I know I should be rejecting this whole failure thing, (i know as christians we should believe wholeheartly in God's power & ability to help me & all. but my faith is shaky :/) so I am learning to let it go. Not saying that I will give up on my dream of being a psychologist or a counselor (anyone who reads this will probably laugh themselves til death, FELICIA CONSEULLING PEOPLE. JOKE MAN. But whatever, no harm in a little dream) I will reach there eventually somehow I just know it. My dream is pretty simple. It has always been this simple dream of wanting to make people happy. Let people smile. Take away all discomforts. So just like a doctor, i wanted to heal the sick so that they can be well again & that they can be happy again. I think at the end of the day, making a person happy naturally makes you happy. So whatever God has in mind for me, I'm praying, at least give me a decent pay ( I'm still just a tad materialistic - I CANT HELP BUT LIKE PRETTY THINGS)
I just realised I was off topic. Now I had this mindset of wanting to rant on how lucky & fortunate people are in being able to go overseas(another dream of mine) & you know experience the culture there. It is so fun to soak yourself into another culture. Hmm, or maybe its just what I expect from it. But nevertheless, there are actually so many things I can do in Singapore, like learning how to cook(it's high time i learn how to do so - TIME TO BATTLE THAT FEAR OF KNIVES) I am just being so sour & jealous of people fulfilling my dream while I'm being left behind, yeah that's what that feels like. You know I really need to pinch myself or give myself a slap when I start to whine in front of my parents about who so & so is going overseas, I'm so envious I wana go to. All this nonsense should just stop. Think of delaying my dream & wait for a fabulous trip, after all they say good things comes to those to wait. I must be patient, after all my parents themselves have not gone on a trip for ages. So I was slightly happy for my mom when she is (FLYING SOON I SUPPOSE) leaving for a overseas trip. I am starting to feel the vulnerability of life. Life is short, Really, a lot of people die just as I type this. Accidents, natural disasters and of course suicides, murders. & thinking about this, if one day, my parents stop funding me, how am I suppose to survive. I cant live without my parents. Being sheltered in my house so far has left me wingless to be able to soar in my life. I'm beginning to worry for my parents. A little. I know I have always taken them for granted, so now that I'm ageing, I cant forgot the fact that they are ageing too. I really hope that I can earn alot of money to provide a better retirement for my parents I do. SO this whole psychology degree has left me speechless. Cause it's useless without an honours & masters. I cant practise psychology at all. the certificate is basically worthless. :/ I am scared for my future. Who isn't? The unknown has always been scary & yet thrilling at the same time. I cant help but want to take a glimpse at my future. would it be bleak or wonderful? I guess all I have to do now is work hard to reap my fruits. Okay, I need to start (STOP PROCRASTINATING) on my tuition assignment.

God rules & He will see me through this horrible assignment. I will rock this assignment that they will totally adore me & THEY WILL BE SO IMPRESSED WITH ME & STOP DOUBTING ME. DAMNIT. (okay DREAMING DREAMING)

Toodles!

2011-11-08T21:24:00.003+08:00

After ranting at God, I feel I think to be grateful for Him.
I know if it wasn't for His strength i could have been really a sour girl just now.
(not saying that my mood dint change & obviously my friends will know I am so fucking sad)
I meant I could have just burst into tears on the spot, & i could just feel myself comforting myself to tell myself to move on move on.
I knew I should have not looked & compared my results to others BUT I DID. start of misery. but then again, maybe it was for the better.
I am so geared to start studying now.
OKAY THANK GOD FOR LETTING ME BE GRACIOUS & OPTIMISTIC (okay, i wasn't but my heart was. it was telling itself to be stronger but my mind telling itself I was sad. STUPID SHIT.) OKAY BYE.

ranting for the nth time(srsly..)

2011-11-08T20:57:00.002+08:00

I am seriously pissed off with myself.
After 2 semesters & i still haven found the right way to studying.
I studied I did. & bloody results showed otherwise.
Made a mockery outta myself.
The module which I have the greatest confidence in turned out to be a great flop.
FUCKING BLOODY GREAT FLOP. Try being the 3rd last in your cohort. The feeling's so awesome that I have the adrenaline rush to study now without eating when I'm having gastric currently. I'm actually numb so badly. Its as good as my GP paper for A levels. I ALMOST cried looking at my results. Had not I looked at my friends' grades I will be rushing out to the toilet to sob. fuckery hell. I tried not to hold so much expectations for this module BUT i really wanted to do well. ( I ACTUALLY DID WORSE THAN THE MOD WHICH I THOUGHT I WAS GG TO FAIL. GREAT. SRSLY.) I did. & this semester I felt that I did try harder than the rest. But its not enough. WHY? CAUSE I AM BLOODY LEARNING IT THE WRONG WAY.
You know I have been committing my studies to God. I did. (okay, maybe I let my pride take over me for this particular mod)
Its so easy to get discouraged when what you pray for isn't materalising.
The self-consoling statement of 'God has a plan for me & everything happenes for a purpose & God has greater things for me' IS NOT HELPING AT ALL.
Is God testing my faith here?
Is He Is He? Gosh, I do not want to get angry at God here. But why God.
This semester was when I started to build a stronger fountain in Christ. It did get stronger. But look what is happening, I don't actually expect good things to go my way the MINUTE God is back in my life. But shouldn't my life get a tiny bit better?
It has gone down a black hole. It most certainty did.
So God, am I suppose to still pray for my CAP 4.0 & trust in You that You will fulfill Your promise & that I should reject the bloody scores I've gotten so far? This is going to be the greatest test of my faith ever.
I really want to get onto Honours track. Though all the time I shrug my shoulders in defeat on mention of honours track, there is still this tiny flame of desire burning. There used to be & its extinguishing with each passing day. I am so desperate for this semester to get a CAP 4.0. God wont You just help me?! I mean if You could do many miraculous things in the bible, how is helping me pull up my cap from a 3 to a 3.5/3.7 any difficult? Nothing is impossible for God. NOTHING IS SUPPOSED TO BE. WHY THEN WHY? So are you throwing me into this pithole so that I can open my eyes & see that I can only rely on You now? Is that the case? IS IT?

anyway, I have come to this conclusion.
Continue to pray over each day of my life, over studies, over my body(stomach problems are back...) OVER EVERY ASPECT.
I will now put the super extra effort to mug now. I have to. God will guide me & give me His wisdom to live through this dark days of my school life.
Leave everything to God's hands cause 2 weeks is really not enough to study AT ALL.
So I am proclaiming victory over my test now I WILL GET CAP 4.0 NO MATTER HOW HORRIBLE MY RESULTS ARE NOW IT DOES NOT determine ANYTHING. GOD WINS FOREVER.

Okay, Bye, screams desperate girl
(if I get cap 4 this sem, all the glory be to God cause I know its not me but by His grace)

-END OF SPIRITUAL POST-

2 weeks left & counting.
I am going to win this race!

2011-10-30T03:02:00.002+08:00

Now people always say : One must be grateful for life.
Living is awesom. That is if you're enjoying yourself.
But for people like me who never fail to question the purpose of living in the first place. & I really have no purpose in living. living from day to day seems pretty simple enough. But still.. if there is no purpose in life. is life even worth treasuring & being grateful for?
hmmm.
Now stupid social psy teaches me that when we're in a negative mood ( now me now)
one tends to make more accurate attribution due to more systematic processing. So am I correct in my attribution process?
hmmmm.

Okay, time to sleep.
& i'm as good as dead. Heart & mind & soul. ):

2011-10-29T18:38:00.002+08:00

SO much for being able to accomplish all my stuff. MORE THAN A DAY GONE LEH
FUCK LAH. Why is it that my bio psy slides not done. Why is it that I procrastinate. BLOODY HELL.
If only got motivation. I think I am too free. that why.
Like a fking no lifer stuck at home. sure have all the time in the world one right.

damn you disgusting french,
damn you disgusting projects & assignmemnts.
& lastly, damn you stupid bio psy - all the stupid termologies.
I BLOODY HATE ALL OF YOU GO TO HELL MAN, BURNNNNN.

I HATE MY LIFE PERIOD.
LIKE A SHIP STUCK AT PORT NOT MOVING AT ALL.
GO TO HELL.

2011-10-29T18:35:00.002+08:00

GOSH GOSH.
I HATE FEELING STUCK AT HOME WHEN I FEEL I SHOULD BE OUT THR HAVING A GOOD TIME.
SUCKS MAX MAX MAX.
I wanted celebrate Halloweeen too. ARUGH FUCKING NO MOOD TO STUDY LAH.
Fel u are fucking loser.

2011-10-24T03:12:00.002+08:00

now to spam christian songs to feel better.

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me to Your heart

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

2011-10-24T02:16:00.001+08:00

It's been a while since everyday & everything has felt this right.
Nope.
still not there yet.

the small joys in life, where art thou?

2011-10-24T01:53:00.003+08:00

It's been a while since I had a genuine smile. Let alone laughing aloud.
It's so tiring to fake a smile and to fake laughter.
*mind blanks out*

Thinking is bad for me at least, the wild dreamer I am can dream of so many fantasies that could never come true. In my world, everyone is happy, healthy whihc is clearly not the case in reality :/

I'm really sad these days. Not angsty. Way past that.
I'm a whiny bitch yes I am. Screw this feelings of depression that will lead to nowhere.

I'm in depression. I really am depressed. why? no idea. If I were to self treat, I will ask myself to go take a proper break from this education system & this very competitive world. Grab money & bag & fly off to another country where life is slow simpler.

Saddest part of being depressed, this crazy amplified loneliness seeps in.
Come to think of it, if I were to disappear from the surface of this earth, would anyone even notice. Everyone is so caught up with their own lives & busy to bother about the rest.

I desperately need someone to lean on right now. & I'm this little thankful & grateful when I'm sad & people ask me to cheer up. I guess that will categorize as small joys in life. Friends that will be there for you when you're sad. A happy smiley face or a text brings a genuine smile to the receiver at that moment.
I like receiving presents I like receiving such small joys in life Because in that precise moment,you know that someone out there loves you, everything seems beautiful; life's great; You have the strength to take on the world. If only I have the ability to freeze time at that

I do wonder how people get all their positive energy from. I'm crazy in need of those. Do anyone sell happiness in a jar? This girl here is in need of that bit of magic.

Anger

2011-09-24T01:03:00.002+08:00

Today has got to be the day I am actually so angry that I turn irrational.
This great amount I'm getting from being angry can last me the whole morning.
Seriously there has got to be a way to get rid of this anger.
It is just such a fucking bad day today.
DAY HASN'T EVEN STARTED.
please dont let this be a bad omen.
God will bless my day & make it a good one.
Amen.

2011-09-23T23:44:00.002+08:00

& I cant believe I passed an opportunity to eat ice cream, to finally satisfy my craving for the past few weeks JUST FOR A BLOODY PROJECT.
BLOODY SICKENING PROJECT.

I am just so so so mad at everything right now I'm considering just mia from the whole world.
Where is my happy pill?
What is supposed to make me feel happy?
Nothing ever is going to.
paycheck? Money. superficial much.
Money cant buy happiness But it can certainty let me buy food that will bring me happiness.

Screw this shitty whole anger I have right now.
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY SERIOUSLY.
GOSH. I hate myself.

2011-09-11T22:13:00.003+08:00

so little time with so much to be done.
I guess school life has always been this hectic.
Now to rant about my school life.
Bloody 150 words in french is killing me.
Gosh it's only 150 words!!!

Anyway I really need the positive energy to keep my life going.
So I'm gona blog about the best things about this week.

My mom was being extremely nice to let me colour my hair.
SHE PAID SHE PAID. & I swear that day was a day I could feel she was giving in to me.
Her mood damn good. So thank god for that.

I had a lot of laughs this week despite the little sad things in life that has happened.
Life still goes on no matter how we live so why not make it a cheerful one!!
SMILE :D

Don't judge. Ever.

2011-09-08T02:12:00.001+08:00

2011-09-08T02:09:00.002+08:00

Everyone's a genius

2011-09-08T02:06:00.000+08:00

I choose to believe so.
I'm made for bigger things. I just dont know what.

To give my best everyday

2011-09-08T02:05:00.001+08:00

NOBODY KNOWS THE REAL ME.

2011-09-08T01:17:00.001+08:00

Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried, how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve had to hold back the tears, how many times I’ve felt like I’m about to snap but don’t just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I’m sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody knows me, and thats what I hate the most.

from tumblr-

2011-09-07T00:03:00.003+08:00

It has been more than month that I blogged.
Life's pretty stagnant I must say.
School stress. Checked.
Shitload of readings not done. Checked.
Lack of sleep. Checked.
No lifer. Checked.

speechless

2011-08-03T23:52:00.001+08:00

sometimes I think it's very dumb for me to ask when I know what the answer is.
& i really hate quarrelling. Really. So I avoid to ask many questions that I know will start a fight.
But i really hate it when I have to give in countless times. Really hate it.
Sometimes i wish that I can get an approval instead of pure plain objection.

serenity

2011-08-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

my library visit was a short one & it felt really good.
If only the library can always that quiet & serene, studying would prove to be effortless.
I'm liking this whole serene thing. No more thinking about all my worries for tml.
as long as I'm not stressed up I'm okay.

Blessings always comes in disguises.
Maybe not getting my mod may actually be a good thing for me.

fret no more

2011-07-30T00:17:00.002+08:00

self reminder: Things will eventually work out by itself. Worrying does nothing but a waste of time & emotional stress.

Planning the perfect timetable has been giving me so much stress I couldn't handle.
Frustarted that I cant have any day off.
Frustarted that I cant get my bloody french mod
Frustarted that I have to end school at bloody 8pm

But then again, Life is a miracle that i should never take for granted.
My worries are just so small as compared to those that are faced with matter of life & death decisions.
I need to live my life to the fullest.
i promised myself that & I must fulfil that promise.

So where do i take my life from here?
I'm still figuring that out..

Happiness is simple

2011-07-25T13:44:00.004+08:00

Today is going to be a day whereby I am happy & nothing can bring me down.
I do not want to be robbed of my happiness.
Life is an amazing gift depending on how one views it.
So I'm going to keep my emotions on check.
No more angst, depression. NO MORE.
I must view my glass as half filled.

Must preach this few sentences intensely this weekend.

Trapped

2011-07-25T01:30:00.002+08:00

This sinking feeling I get all the time.

Stupid work which gives me the same emotional stress office work does. Catch is, the pay is higher & you get to sit. Cause I just realised that the boredom that comes with a office job can also be found in a retail job. Whats worse is office job you can get entertained sometimes & boss cant nv stare at u 247. Guess what, retail provides the avenue for the boss to be at your throat 247 & be extremely nasty to you 247. Great job aye?

I want to feel intensely happy.
Eating homecooked meal at a friends house proved to be simple bliss.
Maybe all i need is a little getaway trip with my friends to play my life away b4 school starts.
But problem here is my financial status dont allow me to.
SO the angst of work is going to be combined w my depression of sch starting.
Awesome life i led. just plain awesome.

2011-07-25T01:17:00.002+08:00

disappointments come with great expectations.
Should live without expecting too much.
Life would then be full of joy & excitement.

Today was a nasty day.
Literally.
Now i only pray to get through / survive the remaining days at work.
& then I'm free to do whatever I want.
I like to help & serve people. or so i thought.
Service can kiss my ass goodbye cause I swear I am never going back to retail or any sort of service line ever.
I want to help people who deserve help. not those bloody people who can bloody do things on their own.

Oh, & once again, the common sense thing never fails to piss me off.
I hate being judged as no common sense. There is no such thing as common sense, It all stems from learning & experience.
& oh yes, sarcastic remarks are very much not appreciated. Just tell me the truth & stop expecting me to read between those lines of yours because your remarks are so bloody sarcastic that I lacking common sense cant get the bloody hidden meaning.

& I dont have any sort of mood. At all.
Watching hp7 final shd be making me happy. BUT I AM NOT.
Hype's already over. Like I feel slow. EVEN MY SISTER WATCHED IT EARLY THAN I DID.
I really hope IMAX 3D is going to be good. cause I rather spend my money on good food than on a lousy 3d movie.
May tml be an awesome day. I pray.
& I'm praying to survive this upcoming week.

I hope i can go uss one day. Dont know why the sudden craving.
Maybe i'm sick of shopping clothes, EVERYTHING.
I just want a change of scenery, no more retails no more bloody uniforms.
FREEDOM.

2011-07-19T23:43:00.002+08:00

sometimes in life I wonder 'What if..'
What if I went down another route instead of my current route.
What if I did this instead of something else.
& then reality comes back in my face reminding me that Life still goes on & What ifs will never happen. Because a moment once lost is lost forever.

Birthday Lunch (DELAYED)

2011-07-19T00:16:00.005+08:00

So on my birthday itself, Bev,Char,Sm & I ate at the crystal jade barbeque & ginseng chicken restaurant. Costed us 20plus each but it was definitely satisfying & fulfilling (:

Char & Bev

Erm, i guess sm was a little pissed? HAHA. WHATEVER I DUNCH CRAE.

FOOD FOOD. :O :O

FOCUS ON THE FOOD. BACON & CHICKEN'S SIMMERING ON THE HOT PLATE!! WHOOPIE! :9

Food again! I cant never ever get sick of it :DDDDD

My first birthday cake! :D The three of them were SO FREAKING OBVIOUS about getting the cake. I had to pretend I dint know. But anw, Thanks guys you know I love you guys a lot :D:D

Tourist Felicia & Shimin (together with the nation's national flower)

Me & Char. We look like we just woke up. D:

For some unknown reasons, i dont have a picture with bev alone :/

GROUP PICTURE.

That concludes my birthday lunch! HAHA.

Manners Checked

2011-07-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

I hate rude people. Oh wait, rude & demanding people are the worst combination ever. They believe that they have all the power to move the mountains & the rivers & expect us the humble service attendants to be at their beck & call and to actually do everything that they bloody request. Fucking idiotic. I don't give a damn if you're rich, does it mean I have to give in to all your ridiculous demands? If things are within our control, you think we'll allow for such things to happen? Sometimes i feel the world would be a better place of everyone was nice & understanding & forgiving. :/

& speaking of such people just reminds me of another group of people that really just never fail to amuse & amaze me. - cheapskate people trying to pretend that they are rich & high class. They go mad with frustration when your store is out of the particular size that they want. Funny thing is, they only purchase all these clothes when there is a sale. That's great, so you were so rich that you had to wait for a sale to buy some piece of cloth. & another thing, sale products & these obnoxious people expect the clothes to be in top notch condition & no matter how many times us sales assistants tell them sales items cannot be exchanged, they have to insist on their grounds when they need deep down in their hearts that what they're doing is against the policy. This people really amazes me. with their selfish acts.

Okay, my brain is going to the trance state whereby I can think of nothing no more. SO i shall just stick to watching my vids.
TATA.

2011-07-17T18:04:00.003+08:00

I'm broke.
Naturally people would think I'm insane siince I'm working & earning my pay. But seriously, I have too much of things I need to buy that. Oh well, my pay is definately too little for that.

So I shall come out with this priority list of how to spend my money. Hohoho.

1) Spa Spa Spa Rejunvinate.
I really need to relax. Work's been taking a toll on my body. I could die from the tiredness.

Then again, I am clueless as to what i want.
I want to see a skin doctor for my skin condition which has been driving me crazy each time i look at the mirror.

I want to buy a school bag cause seriously my bags are old & i'm just afraid they will break D:

I NEED a frigging bag for my netbook cause i dont want to hold it by the hand..

I NEED a brand new earpiece cause my stupid earpiece is spoiled.

& the list goes on & on.

My holidays can seriously kiss goodbye
I'm too broke to actually go on a hol though i really want to.
Once again, stupid financial insecurity.

THROW MY TROUBLES AWAY TO A FARAWAY LAND & MAY MY SPIRIT BE AT PEACE. AMEN.

School's starting in about 3 weeks time. I'm praying that somehow something will work out by itself.

2011-07-15T12:19:00.004+08:00

birthday dint really felt like my birthday. It's just one of those passing days you wish time would pass slower so that you have time to rest.
Pretty moodless maybe due to fatigue. No idea why I'm just feeling so sad about my birthday. Maybe i'm getting old & birthdays don't have that spectacular spark & excitement it used to have.
Walk through taka basement & you'll see all those big cakes staring back at you. There's so many cakes to choose from & i have this crazy urge to buy one big round cake & stick a candle for myself & sing a happy birthday song to myself to applaud & mark the gro

Pre birthday celebration (PHOTOS POST)

2011-07-14T03:19:00.004+08:00

So as mentioned in my previous entry. Had K buffet for dinner cause frankly speaking I really don't know what to eat :/ Food was alright but i was so in love with their vege. No idea why. Alright enough said, let the pictures do the talking.

I guess in a way pictures are so deceiving. The food looks liek huge servings when in fact, it isn't really that much luh.

Our feast at our huge long table!

Porridge with a little bit of everything - salted vege, chicken, salted egg.. etc

Roast platter. It was rather little. Din't eat any since I'm not exactly a fan of these.

Black pepper crabs. Hmm. Not a fan of these either.

This is I have no idea what all the food is. HAHA.

Mashmellows with supposingly chocolate & fruits on a stick. :o

HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY: Broccoli & cauliflower Had two servings. :9

ABUNDANCE OF SASHIMI! We will eat our hearts out for this!

Desserts! This is not all! we had some secretly slashed somewhere else. :9

TADA!!

Our secret slash of jelly! I love the mango yogurt :D

After all that eating & singing (w dancing(?)) all was left is to snap pictures & of course! polaroids (:(:(:(:

Okay, so apparently kbox @ cine has this chupa chupa machine. & being a real sweet tooth I am I cant resist not taking a photo with this machine full of lollipops!

LOVE OF MY LIFE (Y)

A series of real life situations:

Miki & I: We are awkward with one another. We can't bear to sit beside one another.

Miki & Steph: We are besties besties & we love each other very much. Bye Fel.

Me: Fine whatever. I don't give a shit!
Miki: Like real.

-end-

It all ended with that bimbo insisting that we share an awkward relationship, & i trying my very best to take a proper picture with her. (lean til i'm like the leaning tower of pisa.)

THAT AWESOME NIGHT!

2011-07-13T01:25:00.002+08:00

I want to lead a peaceful life. Lose all my worries by throwing them to the wind.

Life's great.
Tonight was awesome.
K buffet proves to be too much. Singing & eating are just too much to take!!
Premature celebration for my birthday was nice.
But you know, as one grows older. birthday doesn't really seem matter anymore.
I see it as a sign of growing older & maturing. Hopefully I age with wisdom & all :D
I judt dont know what to feel right now.
I'm getting older. biological clock's ticking & still am lost about myself.
I dont even know myself well. How can anyone know me :/

Okay enough of being just my emotional & thinking too much self.
I shall resort to being happy. Cause life's how you make it to be.
Ciao.

no more thinking about my modules.

something I came across..

2011-07-13T01:04:00.003+08:00

while reading a novel.
(I srsly hve to learn to pay attention to my surroundings while reading. Almost missed my stop two times & missed my turn at ICA today)

The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in awhile, and watch your answers change.

Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, 1977

Pretty interesting line i figured.
Indeed, simplest qns are the most difficult & complex.
Hmm, my answer to the last qns really changes all the time.
I need to establish some consistency in that.

2011-07-06T00:25:00.002+08:00

Now to update myself with my rather pathetic social life.
Mon was a short period of me & charlene. Gosh have been spending so much time with her I'm already sick & tired of her (JUST KIDDING CHAR IF YOU DO HAPPEN TO READ THIS. HAHAHAHA.) Basically it was a ranting session on my part & pure listening on her part. Yishun is still the same as it is. Pure boredem with the exception of the existence of the library. (: Let's come up with a list of expectations and reality for that day. (inspired by Sophie Kinsella in Can you keep a secret)

Scenario 1.
Goal: To get passport photo
Expectation: Get an awesome lookable pleasant passport photo so I can be happy about flashing my passport at the customs
Reality: Gotten photos of me frowning and with looks of a murderer all thanks to that creepy man watching me while I was taking a picture, Made even sadder than before because i look absolutely fugly which makes me wana lock myself up and not travel cause that face of mine can never be seen by the world.

Scenario 2
Goal: To get eyebrow trimmed
Expectation: To get nicely shaped brows so I can finally put my eyebrow pencil to good use & I can finally have eyebrows
Reality: The shop owner turned the sign from an 'open' to a 'closed when we were looking at the shop through the locked glass door. So basically I'm stuck with pathetic few long strands of hair that forms the supposingly eyebrows.

Scenario 3
Goal: To get books from the library to pass some time
Expectation: To get some really interesting thriller or literature books to improve my english language & maybe some inspiration
Reality: Chickflick books were borrowed instead. What else can I say? I'm a true blue bimbo -.-

That pretty sums up my mon. Oh wait. That day was awesome because I have finally gotten to sit in the bus while reading a book. I dont know why but I'm a sucker for long bus rides where i could gaze into the distance or just read a book. It feels really peaceful & i liked that. Maybe one day i should just go to starbucks or the library to sit on a couch to just read.

Today was also spent rather well i would say. Went out with Miki with intention to watch Monte Carlo? or whatever it is called. Switched to transformers cause really i cnt stand watching the show at the first 2 rows. Must say that transformers is not bad but really anti climax. I mean cant those bad guys die already. They kept placing so many climaxes that the story gets really boring after a while. Twists & turns are nice but too much of it gets a lil boring & there were a lot of moments i was on a cliffhangers but really i couldn't wait the bad guys to die towards the last 30 mins of the show it's like i want to get into the movie & kill that bloody damn robot & end the movie. The end. Ending was rather expected and oh well, the usual ending for such movies :/ nth spectacular.
& oh, platforms are infesting in fep because i can see them literally everywhere. ESPECIALLY THE ONE WITH WINGS. cant help but feel it must be inspired from somewhere.
gawd i hate being tall cause I cnt bloody wear heels. -.-

okay. life is starting to get depressing beacuse I have to work tml. just great. have a awesome gd night slp.

Alone

2011-07-05T23:44:00.003+08:00

I am feeling blue. really blue. I am not emotional or whatever.
Just plain sad about I have no idea why.
Maybe according to Charlene, feeling sad without a reason would be the most saddest depressing state ever.
Maybe I've been thinking of my future. I'm just sad. Lost lamb with no idea what to do in life.
But nevermind, I'm feeling really sad or let's just say that I'm disappointed in a certain few. I'm not feeling angry or anything. Just I don't feel that closeness anymore.
& with each passing day, I can feel that distance growing & I feel like a stranger to them.
Most of all, they just blame it on me being 'emo'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sensitive to the word 'emo' or hate that label 'emo'. Just that I feel that this 'emo' label has been acting like an excuse to ignore me. If anyone really cared, maybe you would question whats wrong & maybe try to place an effort to fix it. Oh yes, i do think alot of such stuff. But why? Noone ever questions me or maybe reflect on their actions, they just shrug their shoulders and say Felicia's just being emo. Don't let my easygoing fool you because I aint no easygoing soul. I am petty & calculative. Like anyone cares?
Thinking back about a day where I was as usual chatting with my colleague about friendships and social circle. It kept me thinking alot about my friends.
I could really count my circle of friends off one hand. When i say friends, I meant those that really care. Those that go in & out of my life are mere acquaintances.
What i thought were my group of friends are now turning into acquaintances. & sometimes I feel like my friends dont give a shit about me. Just sometimes. Noone ever bothers to know me as a friend. I feel like I am always trying so hard to convince myself I'm thinking too much on certain things but things are sometimes so blatantly obvious I need not require any sensitivity to notice them.
Let's just take this blog for example, those who really read this would either mean they are concerned about my life or just merely bored. If i could count my friends off my hand, needless to say I can do so for my viewership.
I dont know if those certain few that have left me disappointed would ever read my blog given their lack of concern of even asking me out. If they do, i can bet that they would once again rule this post as me being too emotional for my own good.
You know what? whatever, I was still hoping for maybe a slight acknowledgement of somethingness. I dont know what. I hate it when your group of friends gather & assume that you were busy & not call you out. & then when you meet them, all we do is small talk & they'll talk about their inside jokes & you just do not understand a thing. Because you & that group of friends have already lost contact for so long and in the first place, you have already became a stranger in their midst.
& the stupidest thing to say, is to ask why have I not met you for so long. Think twice & maybe you could remember that those times you guys have gathered, you dint even ask me along. Maybe that's the reason why I've even seen you guys for 'so long'.

I'm feeling angst-y & disappointed. Not even an attempt to connect. or maybe a feeble & weak attempt at that. Did not feel any concern. All I felt that you guys weren't bothered. I shall not be bothered too. Why shd i care so much about people who dont care about me too.
Or maybe I haven really cared about them either. confusing much.

Okay, I'm feeling so lonely i could die. Born alone. Die alone. Shall live with that.

2011-06-30T23:56:00.003+08:00

Okay, i do realise i have not updated my blog in quite
frankly speaking I have no whatsoever idea to blog about.
Life can be pretty mundane these days with work occupying most of my time.
All i ever think about nowadays would be my major in my uni life.
I am at crossroads right now. Either i continue to drown myself in psychology or try new major. Then again there aint much of a choice. I have to come to a decision fast. Heart's on either sociology or psychology.
Supposingly I am waiting for God to give me wisdom in making this decision. But how to when all I feel so detached from God, never have been attending services, nt listening to sermons, not even reading the bible. I miss having an intimate relationship with God. Cause I know no matter what happens God will be there for me & i can be at rest.
I guess it's high time I go back to God like as a prodigal son & receive all his love & wisdom. I really need guidance here. Shall be praying for the whole of next week & listen to His word. God would guide me from here.

Now about my work life, hmmm, can i say that this erratic work schedule has been killing all my time.
I missed out an opportunity to tutor maths & still continually miss out on many opportunities.
Then again, i should be grateful that I have landed myself with a job. Guess I am too greedy for my own good. We humans want the best of both worlds don't we?
Sometimes I do think 'if only's about landing in other jobs & many other situations, it still boils down to the fact that in reality no matter what i do, life's still the way it is down unless i am crazy enough to quit my job now.

Sometimes i do wonder how do those people live their lives happily & without any complaint. How do they treasure every single moment & live heir lives to the fullest?
Because I'm being the pessimist here & I can literally feel my life is being wasted with each second I live. I have no passion for life. Just plain nothingness. Finding the drive is really tough. It just boils down to being responsible & disciplined. Am i avoiding all my responsibilities because I want to live in this pretense world that i am still a young child with no burden of the world. I have to open my eyes wider & stop being this petulant spoiled brat that I am. Life has to go on. & in life, we cant always have what we want.

Dreaming of an vacation but thinking about it, It all boils down to me being responsible enough to plan out a hol. & be disciplined to save the money.
I going to work doubly hard now for what I want. Things will never come easy.

Additional thought. Sometimes I get this feeling of being someone I am not. Wannabe I am. I am clueless as to what I am. But really I think back about some situation & i get the ' what was that for? ' question popping up for all those weird behaviourism i exhibited. Okay, maybe I'm just this strange lady being trapped in a body that does not belong to me? Maybe i shd stop studying psychology & seek treatment instead.
I want to give others an image of being reliable. Do I? I guess I dont. I cant been feel the ground under my own feet, how can i therefore be other's source of strength?
I really need to be more realistic & stop dreaming. I NEED TO FEEL GROUNDED. GROUNDED. maybe i can start tochant this instead of HOLIDAY HOLIDAY.

& speaking of holidays, i can really kiss my holiday goodbye. Which kind of idiot can plan so many getaways & forget the most crucial item of all, THE PASSPORT. Passport's expired & i cant even travel. WTF. How could I have been so bloody stupid to not even notice the expiry date on the passport. I CAN GO STAB MYSELF RIGHT NOW. FML FML.

okay, enough of my downs of my life, at least I have friends who care about me.
& screw the small circle of friends. At least I have some supporting friends & not bitches back stabbesr what have you.

Goodnight world. I must welcome tomorrow with a smile because not everyone is guaranteed another day.

2011-05-22T00:03:00.002+08:00

There has got be something in my life that i can do.
Really should learn and pick up a skill or two. given the vast ( hmm, yeah right. sg is 'vast' enough. ) opportunities of things i could try.

So now have come up with a list of possible things to do while I am living my cooped up life in my bedroom,

1)Find a job online & spam them with my resume (:
2)Research on dancing lessons. watch videos on what type of genre I'm actually interested.
3)Pretend that I'm going overseas and find the most budgeted trip & actually get tempted to fly in that instant.
4)Pretend that I'm some rich kid and plan my perfect get away holiday
5)Research on models & learn to be like them SINCE EVERYONE THINK I'M ANOREXIC. so for this, i need to get contacts make up & learn to dress pretty & flaunt my beautifully make up face to the public. Learn to pose. & everything models can do. I MUST LEARN TO DO.
6)Read up on intellectual stuff (? no idea what) and be a civilised educated person
7)Pretend I'm actually going for the student exchange prg and plan the universities to go.

ah, alas, my list can go on & on but really all the above seems better than me wasting my time watching dramas that do not good to improve my well being in any way.
All it does is to make my question my sucky reality. REALLY. Dramas always unintentionally set expectations.

I am sick of life now. Really frustrated of my life.
Socially awkward - No friends.
Nevermind.
Intellectually stupid - People think you're airhead
What fucking piece of shit. Nevermind.
Timid - COWARD
!@#$%^&&*!@#$$%
really can go eat shit & die.

Then again, think of those that really want to live you think that really your life isnt worth complaining about. I am a person who takes things for granted, recently not so. But still, yes i do. Life I think for granted. Youth i take for granted. Money, I take for granted. Relationships i take for granted.

Relationships are ever changing. Sadly yes ):
Watch himym & friends, once again never fails to make me sad.
I want to have a grp of friends who could joke around & just have fun. & when things gets depressing they'll be there for you. They'll make loads of fun at you, poke at you for your hideous photos. cry with you.. etc.
BFF & whatsoever. A person to call when u're hurting deep inside. Really really. hmmm. I cant think of what to say right now. minds shutting down cause I really hate to repeat myself on this friendship thing.

Who am I close with. Not even God i share a proper relationship with.
I dont even know myself. So who do i seek for help. Noone. cause noone ever understands.

Hate to be broke. Hate to be skinny.
Just so bloody frustrated over everything (or nothing-ness) in my life that I just have no mood for anything.
Hmm, maybe its the hormones talking.

No mood to eat. literally. maybe I'm undergoing depression?
I'm depressed that I'm turning skinny but really no food whets my appetite.
I so do want to eat but I'm at the same time sick of eating because I'm broke & more than anything else I hate to waste my precious money on food that I dislike.
So i just get so frustrated in finding something that fulfills me. Bugger.

Most of the time i just end up not eating. Maybe thats why I'm turning skinnier each day. I really do not want to eat. I love food. I really live to eat. But if Food is not longer nice, I would prefer starve.
Then i get stressed at myself being skinny & then get irritated by my body outlook & I have noone to turn to because everyone thinks that skinny people should never complain. I hate ebing fucking thin. Its not like i choose to and want to be thin. I see myself as a ugly piece of living creature. really deformed body shape. D: Then I turn to watching stupid dramas or tumblr to destress. Gah. I ahte such escape mechanisms. I want to grow appropriately bigger in size.

Nowadays the urge to travel is back.
Getting stronger each time I hear someone speak of travelling or just the mention of other countries nv fails to put me in a trance,
I really want to get out there & just see what's so different out there & here, go lie down on a large grassland & ponder on my life goals. ( so drama... )
Just an escape faraway whereby there i no need to talk but just feel everything with your heart & see.
Sick of the rat race sick of thinking of tangible things. Sick of being materialistic.
I want OUT.

okay. I'm in a confused state of mind. Born alone. Die alone.
Fucking sad life.

Headphones ON. World OFF.

Dear life,

2011-05-22T00:01:00.002+08:00

Please me better to me and stop being so goddamn fucking mundane and boring. I need to feel like I'm living and not like a dead zombie just passing through time.

Thank you & with love,
Me.

2011-05-02T03:21:00.002+08:00

OH yes, back to having more to rant about.
Since once again, I am convinced only a few people which i can count off with one hand actually reads my blog. There is no need for me to hide anything.

So these days has been petty numbing.
Let's just say that these few weeks. pretty much dull and just plain mundane.
Couldn't really bring myself to study for the exams cause all I thought was all the sluggish work load. i don't know if I would get to enjoy the benefits of a retired life not?
Life is so unpredictable. I do not know when will calamity strike and just take away me or any of my loved ones.
Depressing thoughts of how to deal with situations whereby suddenly one loved one passed away & I would definitely live to regret it. Or what about me? & then a vicious cycle begins whereby I feel that I should live my life happy & satisfactory. Do what i love or i may one day just regret (we may never know) & STOP BLOODY STUDYING.
So being the usual timid me, I would try to push back such stupid thoughts & focus on progressing since I believe that I would grow old & retire& money. yada yada.
Yet, suddenly my thoughts hits closer to home, these randoms thoughts of mine were no longer just occasional. It came about every single day & now IT IS INDEED WORSE
& being depressed sucks because it starts me thinking about my pathetic life & i dont know, I feel extremely lonely and sad.

I feel so heartbroken watching my father living his life like as though he has to stay strong upfront to prevent him from breaking down. I see my mother trying her best to keep calm and cool. I see my sister losing her head & unable to focus. I see my aunts & uncles in great tension & in the midst of breaking down. I see my grandparent in a corner crying softly & i can do nothing to help. Frustration's driving me nuts. I hate sad situations. Never did like it. But who does anyway?
Just that i always had the option to escape. But this time, i cant because every way i turn to I am once again reminded of the pain everyone is suffering from & it kills me inside out. I feel full of regrets literally. Why dint i do this then? Why this Why that Why now? I cannot stand pain & suffering. Maybe thats why I have always wanted to be a doctor, they can supposedly take away pain & sufferings right. Guess the naive young me din't know that there were so many kinds of illnesses that cannot be cured, there are many forms of complications in the world you cant just solve in an instant. Nothing works out overnight. Takes time to heal.

Mood extremely cranky.
I NEED HAPPY PILL.
but no, everything seems to go wrong & everything just pisses me OFF.
fucking piece of shit.

I dont understand why is that all the fault lies with me the entire time.
First to be scolded. I am always in the wrong.
Oh, is it true? no it isn't.
fucking piece of shit. & no sincere apology.
I CANNOT FEEL U ARE SORRY.
am also pissed off at something else.

everything & everyone is pissing me off.
But noone will bother about me.
why? because Fel is a nice person whom we can bully 24/7 and never ever flares up at anyone proper because I am a nice person.
OH no way, I am extremely hot tempered & with all thses going on & death of my hamster i see no sense why people canot tolerate my shitass anger for once.
I cant holler I can only be laughing and the best nice boring person u ever met.
oh yeah. thats right. I am some goody person whp will never flare up at anyone.
Impossible with such bad times. I will be more senstive prone to insults with bad intentions.
BLOODY FUCKING HELL.

bloody fucking hell

2011-04-15T12:42:00.002+08:00

Had an awesome last night sleep.
Had got to be the rare occurrences that i slept before 2am.
Woke up to feeling satisfied & then irritation
What came over me?
hmm, just thoughts of that i would stay at home & rot my day away bloody irritates me.
& then the fact that I'm cooped at home makes me even more irritated.

So the weather's being a bitch - fucking hot weather, so isn't helping.
& the fact that I should be studying right now INSTEAD OF BLOODY TYPING THIS
already shows how i bloody waste my time.

given the fact that i am going to waste my precious time today
I am in fact going to waste my transport fare to go to school to hand in some bloody piece of paper which i will label as rubbish that belongs to the bin
Why the teacher wants the rubbish back? no idea. just that i have to bloody travel to school to give a piece of crap & travel back home is utterly waste of my money.
& not to mention my time

& now because i need to go to school i am settling for unfulfillable, unhealthy instant noodles.

THIS IS SO PISSING ME OFF.

I guess that I am pretending to be happy all the tie to convince myself that I'm happy.
This aint optimism this is what i call pretense.
I am full of lies and crap because my whole life is a facade to start with.
I have to pretend to not care, pretend to be happy pretending shit makes me so bloody fucking empty - no emotions or whatsoever.
Cause once those emotions start to flowing, you'll get a bitchy fucked up Felicia for you.
AWESOME NOT? (just like now)

& i guess people taken my nice personality for granted.
I am so nice that I wont flare up at anyone.
Oh yeah i would. Just that the people who catches me at the wrong time are always my family members.
hence they are always the one that is enduring all my tantrums

& i bloody whine
why? so as not to shout with frustration
so as not to create a din so i bloody whine to get rid of all my stupid frustrations.

To stop my whineness i need t find a bloody venue where i can go some bloody whacking, punching. oh maybe i should consider joining boxing....

& what irks me further,
people laughing when I am utterly pissed off.
Okay i dont show my irritation given that fact that people say I am an open bk
isn't it easy for you to guess I am irritated & not be like 'lol'ing away
& whatever.

another person who make funny comments to my irritated pissed face is so gna get it from me
assholes.

okay, pretty done with my venting anger.
Now i shall eat .

2011-04-03T23:41:00.003+08:00

hmmm, maybe its true that cancers when angry or feeling sad should be left alone for themselves to calm themselves down.
If i am bloody angry i could calm myself down alone within a few minutes......
I CANT BELIEVE THAT ALL IT TOOK WAS A BLOGPOST TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPIER & CHOOSE TO FORGET ALL ABOUT HOW PISSED OFF I WAS. amazing!!

------------------------------------------------
PISS OFF. THIS IS SO NOT TRUE.
FUCKING PISSED OFF & BLOGGING IS NOT HELPING T ALL TODAY!
ITS ALL BLOODY PRETENSE SPEAKING
stupid felicia.

A pinch of bitch-ness

2011-04-03T22:35:00.005+08:00

Hello my darling blog.
I have been rather horrible by neglecting you these days.
Anyway, I'm back with rants. Yes what else can I do than to rant about my extremely rather boring life so far.

Been in a rather angst-y or should i say frustrated mode these day that seems to be fueled by my PMS.
My tolerance for bullshit & crap has been unusually low & I am EXTREMELY hot tempered.
I get annoyingly angry fast & then come to regret my actions like within seconds.

Anyway, what sparked out all this nonsense? This is a question that I would also love to know the answer. Thats why they say the human mind is a complex mind. Why do you think that education provides the subject of psychology for? For people who are rather keen to understand a person's mind + behaviour & to of course help make this world a better place by treating rather hot tempered people like for instance myself to better control their temper.

Now back to the topic of psychology, what the world am I studying psychology for?
Oh well, I do love psychology. It's like super duper fun to know of all the different psychological diseases or ways to explain certain people's behaviour. In other words, it also serves as another determining factor in making everyone so individual & special. Physical looks, lets be superficial here, are indeed very important BUT I think personality which is the inner beauty is also important.
Face it. you rather talk to someone who is more loud, friendly than a person who sulks and is duper quiet 24/7.
Yes, I so love the social & abnormal side of psychology.
So much for the love of psychology. Now i have absolute no idea what I am gna be if i manage to graduate smoothly with an excellent honest.
First things first, call me cruel or what but i so do not want to take care of mentally ill patienets. I do not trust myself to care for this patients.
Most probably freak out after the 1st session or smth along those lines...
With all the stupid 'future' questions popping in my head everyday, how am i even motivated to study?
No sense of direction, no goal to look forward to. I have absolutely no motivation to study. What am I studying for? future? what future? & then i'm back to slacking.
After slacking for too long i get bummed out & irritated at myself for wasting time...
Seriously a vicious cycle.
Okay, not that i do not try to motivate myself. I did. Tried to tell myself that I would love to go for SEP next sem so I need to work hard to get a good grade in order to be able to. But the practical self in me or let's just say my financial situation does not allow for that. Hopes dashed. My awesome dream of going overseas is being broken. Feeling blue. This adding on to my rather sad situation of no future.
Bloody crap.

Then comes another bloody irritating thought of mine. I am so stupid & dumb that i can never manage anything well.
Yes, i do think that ALL THE BLOODY TIME. So why am i not confident? no idea. maybe i am always thinking that there would always be someone better than me & that i am constantly lagging behind others. I feel stupid & dumb oh yes i do.
Fucking hate the fact that I cant think out of the box. IT BLOODY FRUSTRATES ME.
So what if i can study. If I am not bloody good at thinking or creative thinking & analysizing situations, I can be considered a good for nothing. Thoughts like this discourages me further. Screw my practical & overdemanding mind.

Now what do we have, - bleak future, sucky finances, low opinion of myself personality.
This totally fits the criteria of a hikikomori (parasite singles)
Hohoho, am i gna be a leech & suck to my parents in the future?
No idea what would come but definately for now i am doing so.

OH YEAH OH YEAH.
sometimes i hate myself.
For what? being superficial.
I have no idea why? But i think I can be like some two faced bitches.. ( & they say that you hate others because they reflect you most.)
I can be extremely nice to a person & then bitch about them behind their backs.
It is a super unconscious thing. I SWEAR. I mean i can totally forget what that bloody person do to me when I'm with that person & then when I'm alone I would realise how bitchy i am since i was supposed to be irritated or angry at that person...
UNLESS you did something wrong to me that i could NEVER EVER forget & that would fall under the below categories:
1) You give off that ' I am super awesome & you are beneath me' attitude & refuse to speak to anyone that u think think is beneath your so called 'class' & you speak like you're a 'know it all'
2) Since you think you're a 'know it all' you judge me as a particularly dumb person & look down on me WITHOUT even knowing me as a friend.
3) Speak to me with a ' You're so goddamn dumb I don't even know why am I bothered to speak to you' attitude when you are NOT EVEN MY FRIEND

In short. I hate people to look down/ belittle on me. If you do, please pretend you do not because I hold grudges agst such people & no matter what you do I still think you're a bitch/asshole no matter how nice you treat me afterwards.

& they say that Cancers are forgiving people, oh hell to the NO. miss and mr bitches/assholes out there who belittle me.
Think I am dumb. Oh yeah, You are not so smart yourself.
& thinking back. oh yeah, All those people who I hold grudges agst THE MOST are indeed people who belittle me. HAHAHAHA. i'm a evil bitch, subtle but yes, i can be as bitchy if offended. 8D

& yes another aspect I bloody hate people to do is to whisper look at me & whisper again. give me the impression you're talking behind my back. You are officially in my hated list. Forgive & forget. Sorry, that's never going to happen.

finally accuse me or just give me the impression you're accusing me of something I DID NOT DO. i will hate you like there's no tomorrow & curse you for every minute I am alive.

So far, this conditions do not apply to my family & friends ( though last pt do apply to my parents somethimes but who would curse their parents all day long.. maybe.. just a lil? :/) because i believe they have the reasons to judge/accuse/insult me. If they don't. Bye fren or family. you belong to a list - 'Hit-list'

Okay. Alright. Officially vent all my frustrations out. YES.
Must go to church soon to receive some spiritual goodness so i can stop being so bitchy...
BYE BYE.

(I soooo love to blog in here cause not much people knows my blog. HAHA)

Get It Right

2011-03-21T01:21:00.002+08:00

Glee s2e16 was a blast.
What i have been waiting for has finally happened!
Kurt & blaine are finally together & the kiss ~
They are just the most adorable gay couple (:

I'm in love with this song called getit right.
Awesome song! pretty much summarizes my feelings now.

Lyrics:

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

2011-02-27T16:04:00.002+08:00

now playing - Glee - Blame it ( on the alcohol)
awesome song!

pretty much fucked up these few days.
or basically my whole life.
depression just feeds depression.
thinking how fucked up i am makes everything fucked up.

Am feeling lost once again
Too much emotions that i'm choosing avoidance
Lost, pessimistic,ARGH
I want to stay i really dont want to grow up
I like to be less responsible
Yeah, i like to be a spoiled brat.

Damn now i have to think about responsible
Reality & all sucks.
Damn.

& Frustration

2011-01-22T13:04:00.001+08:00

Hello there!
I'm back here once again to rant since screaming or shouting at th top of my lungs will be seen as an act of disobedience or disrespect, Anyway, woke up feeling frustrated weirdly. Had a lot of sleep & i woke up feeling like shit is plain weird & then my sister just had to irritate me by saying she's not going to buy food for me. Oh thanks. So much for being blood related. gosh, in a bitchy mode that i am snapping at anyone who talks to me. This is so irritating & now i', frustarted that i'm frustarted. Great. Just great. When will this cycle stop. Trying watch vids but its atill not workingggg... & now my phone is pissing me off. Stupid phone. Stupid school. If only... & now i'm irritated w my hair colour. . Rants . I am not whining i am complaining & grumbling like a spoiled brat. Fuck.
I think i need to look in the mirror & hypnosize myself to love my hair & maybe i'll fell better.
Maaybe i just need a extra dosage of happiness & self contentment to move on
Feel the stress building up. Once again, i'm a weakling wh& coward to choose to avoid it
Tthats why i never learn. & will nv forever.
Crappy.

2011-01-21T23:28:00.002+08:00

hello blog!
Prior to all my rather depressing blogposts, i had tried to convince to type a better blog post so that in due time, I will read it & feel happy.
BUT NO, ytd was a absolutely sucky day & today was no better.
Is it even possible to convince myself that I had an awesome day. that would be self delusional.
Anw thurs night, had expectations for home club. sadly, its kind of failed me (greatest understatement of the year) & Rebel? go to hell, NOONE FRIGGING CLUBS ON A THURS.
NO WONDER THEY GIVE FREE ENTRIES FOR STUDENTS.
I swear I had never did see Rebel so goddamn empty. it feel plain awkward. ):
so pretty messed up night given the fact that THAT NIGHT was the last night i am ever gona club.... On a brighter side, at least a i had a drink. ( i gna admit, there is nothing to be happy about a drink. I CAN GET 5 DRINKS FROM ATTICA ON WED NIGHT! DO I NEED THE BLOODY HOME CLUB TO GIVE ME A DRINK. NO!)
so anyway, today was a rather pleasant day.
dint see anything in f21 ( must say I was looking out for clotehs for cny so... its not like they have absolutely NOTHING)
dint see ANYTHING at far east. My fav shop has TOO much ppl in thr. I bloody hate to squeeze.
When i want a place to be crowded, like REbel, frigging empty, & today i want my shop to be empty, its liek super crowded. damn fri nights. Why cant all those ppl go clubbing instead? (ranting in progress)

So weekends shopping? Fraid not. shall shop another day perhaps. For now, gna stuff myself with food so that i can be meater & then i can shape my body to my ideal shape or just u know shape to a more healthy look ( i currently look like i am deprived for food for weeks....... ): )
I do know how weight is a super sensitive topic.
Every girl wants to look good, so do I.
But at times i really cant be bothered.. Just so tiring to take care of my physical being that my mental being suffer >:(
Continually ask myself if i look better & all at the mirror, & depression sets in cause I'm still nv the ideal me.
& if one finally reaches ideal, I will get depressed over trying to maintain my ideal me.
THIS is so tiring. either way i'm gna be mentally tortured forever
Why not just choose to believe in my own body & do whatever it takes to just be healthy & groomed ( oh gosh, i def have to look presentable)
Shall look into the mirror & tell myself I am beautiful in my own way.
People who dont appreciate my beauty can get lost. HAHAHAHAHA
OKAY time to finish dinner & muggggggg ( just where do i start D: )

2011-01-19T13:02:00.002+08:00

Blogging is gona be my new twitter.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

anw, ytd had macaron baking
To say that I expected failure was sadistic.
But i dint expect much, save myself from the disappointment that will result
After the failure of macarons, played monopoly spongebob squarepants ed.
HAHAHA. first time i won a monopoly game.
I remember those days when i play with myself i'm always losing cause all my cousins are excellent game players who strategies while i just play the game aimlesssly. geez

anw I'm happy i WON! yay! feel so rich in my entire life.
If only the moneu is real & i can spend it :D
hahaha. money obssessed.
Okay, pretty busy these days.
i'm giving myself abreak, after this I'm gna turn into an anti social freak who mugs everyday. (will I?)
byeeee.

OHSHIT. MUST SPEED BATHE SIA

characteristics

2011-01-19T12:50:00.003+08:00

Needs to be slapped awake.
Needs to stop thinking negative thoughts.
NEED TO GET A LIFEEEEE!

I have to stop feeling paranoid. IT.IS.GOING.TO.BE.OKAY.
Everytime i have something to do i get freaked out.
LIke now, i'm alr freaking out abut psych stats.
I REALLY SEE NO ABSOLUTE SENSE IN FRIGGING STUDYING IT.
its mundane. dead boring. & i duno what on earth is it talking about
All the expt nonsense.
& to think i was done with experiments. Damn it.
Never did like doing/conducting expts.
WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN IT NOW?
why?cause psychology is a type of science i guess.

RANTS rants rants.
oh yeah, another thing to cut down on is my temper.
I get agitated too easily.
Easily paranoid, & easily stressed & WHINY.
fuck. this is the worse combination in a person. add on hot temper.
yay. win. This is the worst person ever.

Time for a character change.
I shall aim for poker face. pokeeeerrr face.
& yes, calm calm calm,
but not dumb.
& try not to be acting stupid cause i'm turning stupid in progress.
hahaha.

Needs to shop this weekend.
Must really chiong readings & cny shpping.
Both equally important!
One is a chinese tradition and another is my studies.
I cannot abodon my heritage can i. SO OFF TO SHOPPPING
Now to find ppl to shop w me. hahahahaha

TATATA... time to speed bath & speed to sch to eat lunch & then to speed read my readings & then speed to lect & speed(jam) back home. hahaah

2011-01-18T21:57:00.003+08:00

whenever i am sad,
i turn to blogging
Not working? gna turn to Friends (watching vids to make myself happier)
If that does not work, imma mditate in God's word.
Maybe i can see the light tml.
I want my life to be full of life & vibrant
Things & experience for me to look back on.
I feel joyless as of now.
Winning in Monopoly did make me slightly happy but then again, it's just a bloody game
Then after i know my tutorial slots, i feel fucked up
Its okay i tell myself,
If others can wake up at 6 so can I
At least i have my tutorial slots.
But then..................................
i'm still speechless. I feel emotional these days.
Can cry easily irregular mood swings
Even i am afraid of myself.

frustration

2011-01-18T21:38:00.003+08:00

I hate it when others think that I'm a person without a backbone
OH yes, i give an appearance that I'm easily bendable (follow my friends blindly?)& sometimes just sometimes i wish for parents that i can share my troubles with & that my parents can be understanding & not blame but teach & knows when to let go.
I know i am being too much for pushing the boundaries.
But sometimes all she has to do is to push the button of guilt & I'm raising the white flag, giving in to her decision for my life.
Mother knows best? Afraid not.
You cant help me forever, i know the dangers of everything i know
I understand but this growing frustration of not doing things that i want to do is totally driving me nuts.
NO, money is not just the only problem, you so like to say that yes, financially we're not doing well, but i know it's also your judgment on your part that is reluctant to do anything.
Who taught me to be wary of everything & anything? To say my character is carved out soley of you is a lie, but let's not ignore that i am turning into another you.
I don't like it. Maybe I'm a frigging dough that is being shaped played around by people.
Maybe I'm just so used to people messing me up so much that I'm pretty messed up myself
( & now as I'm typing you might think that i am talking about you, yes, finally for the first time, your hypersensitivity is right.)

We are different
What you like i may not & vice versa
You think its bad to do something, maybe yes, when i do something wrong
But will you first choose to hug me comfort me & tell me its alright
or will you give me the 'i told you so' 'you should not done that' look at me & then give me further advices to prevent trouble.
I wonder.

2011-01-09T23:06:00.002+08:00

A BIG HELLO! to my scarce readers of my blog - me & ?
Anyway, have been blogging recently.
Why you wonder, well, blogging has helped to arrange my thoughts, calm me down.
No idea why but ranting in my blog is the perfect solution to a bad day.

Thoughts arranged so far are so negative
Been reading though my blog these days to see the different in writing & thoughts.
HAHA. must say that when we're younger we think less. OR ME THAT IS.
Or let's just say i'm sick of being jolly on my blog. I want to keep my thoughts documented on my blog. & yes, after studying nm, i know currently google is keeping archives of my blog posts & privacy nonsense & more. (I must thank NM for teaching me about privacy & being paranoid about the Internet)
Past blog posts were happy happy go lucky
or that is what i want people to think what I am, I HATE EMO POSTS.
Emotional thoughts are like so dumb to me when i was young.
HAHAHA. Felicia how ignorant you are those days.

Thoughts filling my mind now are those thoughts that are always on my mind
- MONEY
- FUTURE JOB PROSPECTS
I am so practical I hate myself. haha

Enough of that, moving on, Tonight is the last night of my holidays
NEW SEM NEW PAGE.
HAHA. oh really. given the Felicia i know.
who never seem to squeeze out time to slack, watch kdrama, be obsessed about enjoying life IS GOING TO START STUDYING PROPERLY. haha. joke indeed.
Tomorrow's start of school & what have i done to prepare myself for school tml so far?
TO enjoy myself to the fullest by watching everything & anything on the web
What i am not doing is to prepare by checking out my stationery, files, textbooks, Nor am i reading up my readings for tomorrow's lect. YES FELICIA WAY TO GO FOR A NEW START TO A NEW SEMESTER!

Hopefully Hopefully, i can go to town tml b4 going to school
SEE, I am totally .. whats that word again? gosh, my vocab is totally failing me. Shall type chinese - WU YAO KE JIU. HAHAHA

Life is beautiful , awesomely beautiful, HAHA.

2011-01-08T02:03:00.003+08:00

God works in miraculously ways
The moment i ended my blog post and start worrying about my life direction & all
'Daily Devotional - Choose Not To Worry‏' email notification pops up.
Let's just say that reading devotionals had led me through stress and all.
I just had to attend care group once,and already I could feel the peace.
& as of now, i am like a lost lamb.
Haven been to church feels lost.
No motivation to go to church.
But today i have this teeny tiny urge to go listen to His word & be at rest.
Human efforts alone cannot work - shall keep that in mind & pray
Missed church so many times i feel lost about everything.
HAHA. i need to be back on my spiritual walk with God.

New creation - Daily devotional

'The truth is, no amount of worrying can lengthen your life or add anything to your physical person. Instead, worrying robs you of sleep, health and many good years. In fact, it is only when you are worry-free that God’s anointing flows freely in you, strengthening, healing, restoring and adding to you.'
oh yeah, i believe. HAHAHA>
WORRY LESS FELICIA. CHEERS TO HEALTH!

2011-01-08T01:44:00.002+08:00

school's starting in a few days time.
I'm not exactly looking forward to it. It feels really queer.
Cause ever since i ended work, the only time that i feel like i was actually studying is the recess weeks before mid terms & finals.
It is just so weird that i feel totally at ease, no sense of urgency about studying. NOTHING. i don't even feel like I'm going to school.
Just getting in & out of classes, lect halls. I already feel like some unknown person going to school. JUST PLAIN WEIRD.
maybe the 12 yrs of class based education system has got me expecting that university could also be like it ( not really holding much expectations )
Just that subconsciously i would want my tutorial class to behave like a united class for once. Lectures are the same but tutorial classes are just so WEIRD.
or maybe its the uniforms that signify the start of school where we dreadfully wear those fugly looking clothes. same monotonous routinue. bleargh. i rmb how envious i was of poly students having the liberty to wear whatever they want.
okay get their pain now. i have to waste loads of time finding the clothes to wear.
geez, i miss my school uniform alr. ):

This sem i have plenty weird mods.
Or let's just say that all my mods are pretty dofferent.
psych stats, abnormal psych, IT ( e-comm) , Jap studies, SIngapore society issues
How come i have landed myself with this timetable.
I have no idea. These days i have been asking myself
' WHAT THE FYCK AM I DOING IN UNI? '
no idea, i told myself
' WHY FASS? '
beacuse my results were sufficient to enter that course
' WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO STUDY THEN? '
ah, this is the tough question, i have no absolute idea.
interested in cnm but psych seems to be easier to score OR NOT?
passion is cnm. hahaha. wheeee
' ANY MINORS? '
oh yeah, had this perfect plan of minoring in management & studying french to use up all mu ues & breadth
look what happened. DID not study french, used my breadth mod for IT mod.
HOHOHO. i'm really screwed up...

This concludes my life.
i hope it would be better.

Anyway,
should do a little bit of updating in my life
Life has been wonderful. sleeping at 5-6
waking up at 10 to do bidding going back to sleep to wake up at 2 plus
To wait til closed bidding & then relax til now.
Life has never been as slack as now.
Planning mods? OH come on there's always tomorrow isn't it.
Yes, my lazy mnd refuses to think any further.
STUPID BRAIN.

This week - Fun yes Weird yes Depressing Yes
I have no idea why . just no idea why.
i feel cut off from the world itself
maybe i'm starting to feel so tiny in this massive world that I'm feeling low?
HAHAHA. okay, gotta admit i'm weird.
Now to push myself to work hard
Must not repeat my past mistakes
CAP 3.5 is waiing for me this sem
MOTIVATION.
MOTIVATION.
life is about moving on & not forgetting the lessons we learnt from past mistakes
Just a lil thought, how many lessons do i have to experince b4 i REALLY LEARN?
NO idea.

I'm dumb dumbee.

2011-01-04T23:59:00.000+08:00

days like today are days that i know will be a depressing day
& yes, it never feels to be so.
Maybe i should just lock myself up & pretend i dont exist.
OR maybe i should just, i duno.
OKay. think happier thoughts.
Life is short. Life is short. Life is short.

2011-01-04T23:26:00.002+08:00

Lost & still lost.
I am moving aimlessly without any direction to go.
Some people have well formed dreams & as for mine, its a nothingness
(well my modal answer is to be clinical psychologist)
I have been thinking & thinking & thinking alot AND YES, none of them seems to make any sense
I know what im afraid of - failure, rejection
But isnt this part of life? Why am i so scared of this?
Is it some psych thingy?
I do realise people who study psych mostly suffered & decided to learn more about it?
No idea, just curious as to why poeple will feel studying about people's minds is interesting.
To predict behaviour? To further understand why are people behaving like this? To prevent such behaviour? TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE?
Oh yea, firstly they should just stop advertising by selling lifestyles to people. Makes me want to spend money on useless things & when i cant get it i feel so sad or maybe determined to have it. work both days.Both can end up as horrible illnesses. Shopaholic, cant stop spending. or like depression eventually cause cant buy ANYTHING ANYTHING ANYTHING. then maybe i duno. MONEY is the root of all evil.
I hate money. haha.
Ranting cause i feel v pissed off about being broke.
I feel pissed off at psych & school in general.
I miss having the same class. I love & hate uni life.
Okay, Felicia. Grow up & move on.
Stop being a whiny bitch & start being nice & optimistic.
Stop being a failure & stupid & blur. GOSH
i cannot stand blur people & i am one? MAKES NO SENSE! D:

Okay, thats all for ranting i'm feeling goddamn tired & feeling my fate to God who will determine my life direction & 5mods this sem.
Whatever will be will be. Que sera sera.

Negativity

2010-12-29T19:39:00.003+08:00

I have a tendency to think so much that i often write out of control.
These few days had horrible emotions. Horrible being negative and i have no idea why.
The last time i feel this way was in Mar when i was at taiwan & i had no money left to shop and looking at all those clothes that i absolutely love & see my cousin getting it all i feel really sad. just plain sad.
Then thinking about how diff people are in terms of wealth. i just started crying. Weird. i feel like a baby just because I cant get my stuff then i cry. I am absolutely disgusted with my behaviour. But the tears wont stop and my aunt & uncle were so SHOCKED that i was crying. i was so shocked myself. I really don't know why. Since then, i have been psychoing myself to stop thinking about buying any more stuff, reminding myself that i have clothes to wear & food to eat and this is enough. It has stayed there & there until recently it broke free. I wanted absolutely everything & anything. No self control. Back to being a baby at things. Back to feeling inferior to others. Back to feeling depressed about myself. Back to believing i have a horrible future. Basically i'm back to believing the worst out of myself and that i can NEVER EVER get anything in the world. Studying psych dont help me at all cause i know thoughts can be changed & that by believing in me being inferior, i will portray myself as being inferior and therefore, further reinforcing i'm inferior. which basically i know if i ever seek psychiatric help for this negative thought, i will believe that person is trying to lie to me and make me feel better and then i will refuse treatment and oppose it further... situation made worse. =.= so i guess its up to me to feel self motivated & to press on.

I have never been one to admit nor expose my vulnerabilities, just that sometimes i'm so tired of hiding it that i burst out. I'm strating to get freaked out by myself. I feel like i have a child like self, a rational self and another ' negative emo' self. Now they are all fighting and the negtive emo is winning. Days like this sucks. But just let me vent all my frustrations by crying it out since screaming wont do any good. & after feeling so goddamn sorry for myself, i;m convinced to be better & totally forget that i had ever been emo about this. haha. i have weird memories.

Now to a happy self, sleeping & dreaming my journalist dream.

New yr resolutions

2010-12-29T19:36:00.002+08:00

* 2010 New Year Resolutions
1. Stop whining, you deserve it!!
2. Start to put in effort in learning and be INDEPENDENT!
3. STOP being bitter jealous cos different people lead different lives
4. If you're jealous then make the effort to change why whine in the first place ( refer to 1.)
5. Stop going overboard with things (DO THINGS WITHIN LIMIT)
6. Be 15 minutes early for each meeting (change horrible habit of being late)
7. Find a job and earn money
8. Be more optimistic about my A level results and my academic future
9. Despite seeing horrible A level results one must not cry ( refer to 8.)
10. Spend more time to understand people (: yes yes (family included)
11. be less proud and stop trying to smarter than others
12. Spend time learning Microsoft Excel(it helps in the future i guess)
13. Spend quality time with family and friends and yes, in God too
14. Attend church service w/o sleeping (oops!)
15. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF REJECTION, FAILURE cause its part and parcel of life (:

This is taken from this yr's resolution. Funny that I seem to have broken every single one. Great. i can dont ponder about my new yr resolution. recycle 2o1o for 2o11,

2010-12-29T18:46:00.002+08:00

Just woke up from a dream of being the most anonymous writer/blogger that earns big bucks and is free to go wherever whenever. (had a mini laptop, a bag filled with only a notebook and pen along with essentials)
Dreams are still dreams aren't they, They form a set of goals to obtain.
My dream i know jolly well is to be a journalist, a writer who receives both praises and dislikes. I strongly believe that one very good writer always get both sides. There aint such thing as perfection. If your work is well received by people, i believe that there are still people out there who will hate your work. After all, people are special & different in their own ways. Just that the world has its evil ways of turning all the different people into a same form of person. The power of persuasion and desperate need to feel accepted has driven many people into conforming. Conformity is the new IN, throwing all the being Special and Different into the nearest waste bin. Everyone follows everyone well, mostly. Even the strongest willed person may bow down. Oh no, these strong willed people are the ones that start the trend going, People look up to them. Ridiculous things may seem as refreshing, new and deemed priceless. So you want to start a new trend? Just be confident, strong willed about yourself & yes, do something new, people tend to look at that. Novel experiences is what everyone craves. Gain popularity with your 'oh i am so awesome' look on your face and be proud of it and a little reminder, being too smug is a big turn off. so a smart person would know when to flaunt and when to be humble. Play mind games with the people who are weak spiritually. They will never know their minds are being messed with unless being told by another that wants to mess with their brains. These people are going to be your loyal die hard fans. Guess its pretty easy eh? OH NO! How can we forget the most important feature, you must have the face, the beauty, charisma that attracts people. AH, the world is indeed superficial after all. Superficial world meaning that real talents go to waste and pretty people will get their fame. gosh. sad world.

How am I, a mere human being living on a small island going to famous?
A dream indeed.
All i just want is a steady job with a steady income that allows room for me to grow , never mundane, ever changing experience. and for myself, to be able stand for myself and be smartly versatile and not be blinded or weighed down by consistency or conformity.
That is all I wish for my personal self being for 2011.
and then again, all those cliche wished like excellent health, great results, strongest relationships and never ending wealth.
Cheers to 2011 arriving.
This year has been a rather weird year ending with me feeling desperate and helpless.